so. i don’t really know where i stand in this mess anymore.

i guess the ridiculous attempts towards dialogue is over. i was judged from day one till the end. i know how the system works now.

indifference really kills. i’ve spent a week feeling dead, paralyzed after the meeting this saturday. once again i was labeled this and that, and no attempt towards really hearing me out, i was silenced many times over. one guy stating from the beginning “i only came here to ban you, so let’s do that and go home”. the same for all the other … great to have a blog, i can really say whatever i want… UNCARING ASSHOLES who never lifted a finger to stop the harassment from happening. never gave a phone call or wrote an email to support. never asked about how i was feeling.

and also the IGNORANT shitheads who with their blaming shaming shit pushed me into non-existence. i had no self-worth whatsoever. a year of my life. more. surrounded by hatred. hate speech.

one woman at the meeting, had said that the social center is like a friend who doesn’t want to listen. so then you should just let it be. she admitted again that one of the dominant men who wasn’t there, but for sure didn’t want to see me in the project. that this man had power over her.

and that this conflict was taking time and energy from people that for my own sake it was best with a ban (ie continuing not listening to me and others with concrete criticism). she felt uncomfortable with me since she got self conscious about how she was using her body, or what words she was using.

i get so angry. this shit talk. this total blame that has been put one way only. Teresa that sent replies to international mailing lists. stating the same lies as before. “we’ve been dealing with this… Milla is bad”. at some point there will be an analysis made of this letter.

as well as all the other shit that has happened before.

i’m not looking forward to it. but at least this one story is not going to end up forgotten as “yet another evil bitch trying to destroy the movement”.

anyways. how can they? how can they care so little. totally warm and protective to the ones who have been causing so much harm? it’s evil. that’s what it is. this is not how i want life to be.

i hate you Madman. i hate you Teresa. i hate you Conrad. i hate you Bert. for using power in whatever way you see fit. to serve your own twisted reality.

so after eleven months. of not hearing me out. what would happen if i’m a good girl and wait for 2 years? will you hear me out then? does anybody really believe in this shit anymore?

indifference is a real killer. i really feel like i’m totally dead. (and still some people have really come out in this mess. some people have really shown what they are made of.)

the worst thing for me exposing myself to these sexist structures. (apart from all that i’ve learnt during this time. new discoveries! 🙂 ) well. the worst thing is the total distrust i feel in others. cause when push comes to shove, it’s clear that most will fall into patterns and cower.

probably from not understanding. the woman who has been beside me in this, has thanked me for raising painful awareness in her. so it’s simply about that. i easily fall into patterns myself. i don’t know if i will ever be free.


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