Update – feelings

in one sense i like conflicts, the way people’s political stand comes out in the open. i’m getting used to, that they are emotional, and defensive, and that a lot of bad things come with it. usually silencing critical voices, and seeing the one causing a stir by speaking openly as the source of evil, not understanding the benefits that come with this, the good things are attributed to the “group” while the negative feelings, or anything done wrong, any mistake or fault in the one bringing in criticism, is used as a reason to shut them up.

the silencing process in conflicts are nasty to watch. like a lynch mob. there’s no way of reasoning anymore.

i felt really disappointed in two persons staying inside the comic decision making meeting this saturday. i expressed this to one of the women. that i felt disappointed that she voted me out for 2 years. and her reply was that it was for the best of the “people” in the project. and that she had only voted for having me banned for 1 year.

kind of like saying: “i didn’t kick you, i only beat you with my hands!”

the other woman had told me before that she can’t take the peer pressure. and she’s also slept with one of the leading guys – Micke Brunila – the guy telling her that she shouldn’t let anybody know. love, sex as a way to control. the same leading guy had said that women use their sexuality to control… when it’s clear that she does the exact same thing herself. i had told her at that time that it felt really uncomfortable hearing a comment like that. it sounded more like a projection. seeing women as sexualized and eroticized body parts.

a woman had been to the university, discussing Freud. one woman had been asking why Freud’s idea of everything being “sex” around us, shouldn’t be more questioned. i guess Freud read pornographic novels. different from now. now. when “sex” really is everywhere. porn in the shop, porn in the commercials, porn on tv. easy to get this kind of mindset.

this is what makes me so afraid when it comes to sex. not wanting to have it as yet another form of humiliation. i’ve gone through it myself. learning from pornography how we’re supposed to enjoy intimacy. distorted and damaged, watching people in pain. thinking this is sex.

although i’ve had sex with many, i wouldn’t call it tender and caring and mutual. there was always that power imbalance there. trying to figure out what the other one wants. thinking there’s something wrong if i’m not wet, that that should be fixed with lubrication instead of connection.

otherwise. it’s just strange that we have no way of dealing with conflict. it always turns so emotional.

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