Update – Wonderful life (centre of conflict)

so, came back home after a trip to northern finland and a feminist meeting. maybe i’ll write a post about that. maybe not.

update. met a woman today. asked what she would want from the meeting december 13th, where i will finally be able to participate myself, not being judged without getting heard at least.
so. i will skip a feminist seminar thing that would have been interesting going to. because it looks like i won’t be able to get anybody facilitating the meeting. so i’m on my own. which is ok. i like to do work by myself as well. no need for tiring discussions. or trying to get people interested.

i asked the woman i live with what she’d like from the meeting. and she said “honesty”. and also people not rushing into a decision. fake consensus, because people wanting a quick fix. not wanting to deal with the problem anymore.

so i thought i’d remind people about this in the beginning.

and i asked the woman that was here what she’d like. and she said she’d like to hear what people would think about having me in the social centre project. and also why people wouldn’t want to have me there.

i asked about sexism. but she said that that was such a big issue, not related to this. and for me it’s clear that sexism is totally related to me being banned (and others not being banned, if people are supposed to be treated along the same standards, and not according to who-knows-who and who has power, and who not. are you in. or out.)

so to me it will be important to get that issue talked about as well.

anyways. the idea now. is that i will read non violent communication, hopefully this info will help me in not feeling so exposed.

todays lyrics. black-wonderful life

Here I go out to sea again
The sunshine fills my hair
And dreams hang in the air
Gulls in the sky & in my blue eyes
You know it feels unfair
Theres magic everywhere

CHORUS:
Look at me standing
Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine
No need to run & hide
It is a wonderful wonderful life
No need to laugh & cry
It is a wonderful wonderful life

The sun´s in your eyes
The heat is in your hair
They seem to hate you because you are there
And I need a friend
Oh I need a friend to make me happy
Not stand here on my own

but. anyways. i got somekind of structure in mind. for the meeting. will skip the feminist thing (and that will feel like absolute shit, if nobody shows up… total pointless sacrifice)

get a power point presentation together. to give a background. and also suggest a structure for the meeting. and also suggest a follow up meeting. cause the woman doing nvc nonviolent communication. said she couldn’t do it this weekend. and she thought of a different structure for really making everybody feel heard. and it would be nice. if that would be possible. that everybody for once would feel that they’ve been heard. (all the sexist shit said about me goes through my head all the time. even the woman that was here, was suggesting that i should just pass on my knowledge instead. get some workshop together and pass it on to the dominant privileged in-group. once again treated like some box with buttons to press. “hey, you don’t matter at all. guys feel uncomfortable when you use the s-word, so you shouldn’t be in the house. cause you’re really not worth anything. but your knowledge would be fun to have. give!” apparently i’m dominant. and have methods that are not ok. but others using physical violence. or really disturbing dominant patterns are being pampered. i really don’t want to be treated like this anymore. and still i’m here. working on a structure. working on getting the least bit of human recognition. in order to make it possible to really make this social center an inclusive place. one house meeting for the “you have to hate milla in order to be in.” and one for everybody. including the ones who hate me and fear me. open for all.

also a different mailing list. for people who don’t want to feel disturbed and scared. and another forum. also open for all. with a different structure. trying to take care of people’s feelings. not this “”off topic” “not right place!” “not right people!” “not right time!” instead: a place of acceptance. a place for discussion.

CHORUS

I need a friend
Oh I need a friend
To make me happy
Not so alone

i’ve identified with this song, many times. always shunned. most often in the center of conflict. it’s a place for growth. at least for me. i know every conflict makes me grow and learn. less afraid. most people run away from it. hide.

i’m happy (p) will be there with me the 13th. she’s been such wonderful support. it’s been lovely to see her rage. when i’ve felt i haven’t been able to rage and rumble because of the power relations. she’s been there doing it for me.

it must feel horrible for the women on the inside. like not being able to move or speak or feel safe and respected.

i’ll work on the structure for the meeting now. simple stuff. will post the thing. maybe ask someone to pass the info to the social centre in-group (the ones who get pampered) and out-group (the ones who have no say whatsoever) as well.

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