update – break

weird life. that’s what it feels like.

secrets and lies. saw the film the other day. Mike Leigh. a film that i would have seen as “real” some years ago. the characters behaving like the stereotypes we are. still with depth though. trapped in roles. the two men in the film were nice. which i wouldn’t see as very plausible. sexism isn’t usually shown. those power relations don’t really ever get portrayed in a real and open and honest way. instead the man in the film, was the one bringing all the female characters together. got them to stop the envy and the bickering.

anyways. the theme was that, it was secrets and lies keeping people from connecting. like not telling who’s the father of a child. not telling about a child that was given up for adoption. not telling about not being able to get children. and the suspicion and antipathy coming from all these things.

all the characters are sobbing in the end. finally all the secrets and lies come out, and they manage to connect with one another.

yes. i really think it could be this easy. that’s what i realized in this latest conflict. i’m sick of the way people can’t speak openly with one another. it brings so much tension. and suspicion. when things can be really easy and open and honest instead.

apart from that i’m still super insecure as a human being. it’s really difficult to feel safe somehow. to feel i’m accepted. feel safe in the moment. but i think i’ve managed to work with this in the latest conflict as well. i’ve really learnt so much. to just give up the teacher role, and step into the vulnerable human skin i’m in. not only my ideals, but really me – the human being – is worth defending. i just don’t understand how i could slip into such destructive patterns. neglecting and denying myself.

taking a break. i’ve learnt to do things in the very last moment. cause i don’t like preparing things that don’t happen, so that’s how i function nowadays. hitch-hiking to Oulu up north. there’s a conference From Violence to Caring. the funny thing is that there will be a person called Pasi Malmi there speaking. a man who feels very sorry for men, and keeps on talking about how much man hatred there is in feminism. she’s on the women’s studies mailing list. it’s sad, how common it is that men get into environments like this and just continue the patriarchal brainwash. for me it’s very strange that a person can be so close to the subject, and still not get it. anyways. the doing things in the last moment, means that i haven’t arranged any sleeping place. and it’s snowy. and minus degrees outside. but hopefully i’ll manage to find a place when i get there. or i’ll just have to pretend that i’m not sloppy and stupid. just very “romantic” and “free”. out in the cold…

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