i’m really going on intuition, don’t do too much planning. i’m badly organized. but i still like what i do. even though i feel really horrible a lot of the time, i still like my kind of activism. i develop a lot.
talked with a woman about what’s said about me on the inside. and i feel really affected by the sexism, cause i’ve been living a whole life with it, and it never stops. and for some reason i get scared. that people who pretend to represent consensus, and speak in “we”-form, will take over the reality of the ones who think it’s perfectly fine if i’m around. that people who refuse to deal with sexism. and continue saying that i’m banned because of how i function politically, practically, personally (without specifying what actions they are disturbed by, and why. or in what way i could “improve” in order to gain trust and be allowed to be a part of this community).
how come some people take “consensus” in their mouths and then continue speaking only their own lived reality as if it is the only thing existing? who gets to decide what where? who feels entitled, and that they have a right to decide? (who feels their opinions and feelings don’t matter? and why?)
i was in touch with a woman who knows non violent communication, and i will know monday if she will be able to help out with mediation.
got to speak with (d) yesterday. and i feel communication has improved. it’s a continuous process. and i’m happy she’s willing to go through it with me. i feel more trust in that she won’t just drop out all of a sudden.
otherwise i still don’t take care of myself. still like a hermit. in front of a computer screen. writing these things, mostly for myself i guess. i get to understand the process behind my own development, with sexism, personal relations, insanity, conflict resolution, communication, world peace. probably a lot of people feeling happy i’m not terrorizing lists… there was one guy on a feminist mailing list who was really stating that i should just stop. and that she didn’t want to hear about it. and that my mails had nothing to do with that specific list… (this argument is used very often. deciding what is political and not.) i had told her once before that she could just not read what i sent. or that she could block my mail. another man was also saying that i should take this man’s feelings into consideration. which didn’t feel right at all to me. since i’m speaking of my own oppression. i. the woman. told to think about the feelings of the men, and stop sending mails.
and.. mostly dealing with feeling like a lover with a person who doesn’t even like me. can’t deal with my politics. doesn’t respect me. now, with hindsight, it would have been so easy. to just speak openly about everything. and it makes me sad that i’ve lost a friendship. it makes me sad that her response for my many calls for help, was.. well one woman kind of pinpointed it when reading a response written by this person to a call for solidarity i made. that the response was really aggressive. and it was like sawing off a hand reached out. the call for solidarity is completely neutral and open. non-aggressive. and still it’s perceived as a threat. so much fear. i hear constantly from the inside that men feel like i don’t listen to them. reversed sexism.
i’ve been patient enough. i have a right to be angry. raging mad. the oppressive gender patterns are still clearly out there. fully visible. in the open.
still. this feeling of being lovers with someone. wondering if it could have been. i go out in the shop till you drop supermarket world and hear the songs there to soothe us. and they affect me. that’s how it works for me. i hear some line and i identify with it. get stuck. like Bowie. Heroes.
you can be mean
I’ll drink all the time
‘Cause we’re lovers,
and that is a fact
Yes we’re lovers,
and that is that
bringing me back to my own reality of what was going on in that relation for me. i remember after going traveling with her, and quickly going into gender patterns. i don’t know why. fear of loosing a friendship. maybe. and the need to protect myself as well, defenses up, not being able to be tender or show what i needed. the build up every time. mix of feelings. fear. love. tenderness. hope. anger. sexual energy. bottomless hopelessness bottomless despair. numbness. the outbursts of anger and frustration, sadness. the drinking that i started with again at the end of our travel.
one woman was telling me after I had gotten through the worst. that I had looked like I was dead for some time.
i don’t know what keeps me going. a strong belief in something different. being able to envision something different. within grasp. a social centre where everybody is cared for.
just don’t want to be stuck with this particular fantasy. daydream. stop wishing for a lover. i want to get real.
and i feel i was really dishonest in that relation. because of fear. i don’t really see any need for fear. not if there is communication.
i’ve learnt to give up on relations. to let go. this time it just makes me feel sad. again. mourning. the fact that i didn’t understand myself. and was so full of fear. couldn’t speak the truth.