Herstory 5 – The Unstructured Authoritarian Leftist Scene

Not so much to add to this video. Apart from that it’s about 10 minutes. So it can be worth letting it load for some time.

This conflict felt really horrible, and for a long time i was really taking in all the negativity from dominant person #1. Until some people started telling me, that she behaves this way with other people as well. And that this was a conflict between her and i, and not me and the whole scene. Apart from the ones who got into protective mode, and started giving me the silent treatment.

I don’t know why it felt comforting to know that i wasn’t the only one scared of this person, facing her aggression. Cause this should just set off big alarm bells, and lead to this person being confronted on her behavior. Not like it is now, that these people are humored instead.

So that’s what it’s like in the Unstructured Authoritarian Leftist Scene. Better adapt to the culture fast, so you know what you can and can’t say, cause if you say the wrong things, there’s a big chance that you’ll piss somebody off, and their ill temper will not lead to any mindblowing life-altering political discussions, but instead you might just find yourself getting the silent treatment. Bye bye discussion. Bye bye change.

And bye bye, to a whole bunch of people, who would be really good for the movement. You have to be extremely stubborn or sure of yourself, in order to go against the social pressure. I think i’ve continued because i haven’t been able to find my own little group to feel safe with. So I’ve gone megalomaniac, wanting to change the whole movement instead. I mean to me it’s clear that it’s broken, so i think it’s fair to try to fix it. [todays lyrics. olive-killing.]

I mean i want to be liked to. And live in peace. But i would like to know i’m doing it for the right reasons. Not a peace where i’m walking on egg-shells. But a peace where i can walk tall and proud. And sensitive and weak. And needy and petty and stupid. A peace where i’m accepted as fully human. Not the way it is now. Where you have to have “the right” ideas. Listen to “the right” music. Wear “the right” clothes. Want “the right” kind of radical change. Know “the right” people. No diversity. No freedom. No creativity. No love.

Even though it could be really easy.

Note: About dominant person #1. That she was really upset about the word woman. And i use that word about her in the film. Just wanting to point out to people, who are sensitive to this, and want to respect every persons right to define themselves, that i heard that now, some years later on, she recognizes that there are these two groups in society (men, women) and as far as i understand she considers herself belonging to the group defined as “women”. Maybe i’ve gotten this all wrong. Cause this is just something i heard, so i don’ t know for sure. but i think she wouldn’t be offended by me calling her “woman” in this film.

and some blah blah. i think i would have been attracted to her, if i wouldn’t have found her so scary and aggressive, and her constantly attacking me with some really patriarchal ideas. and i probably thought she’s more scary and aggressive than she is, because she’s a woman (the same type of behavior from a man would have been more according to the norm. just as i’m sure a lot of people find me really aggressive just for speaking my mind. not very womanlike…)

AND: i spent some time doing something else than feeling angst over the social centre conflict today. got some needed updates done on some myspace accounts with info on feminist self defense. and when doing that, i realized, that even though i felt that that project has been stepping back for about a year, it’s still been very much what i’ve been working on. quoting this text, that really would make sense to any group: “The effects of feminist self-defense are personal as well as societal. We deal with our own oppression and we also want to make all oppression more visible and fight against it.” i’m really happy i got this text together, and i’m looking forward to maybe some day finishing, the whole thing, making films with different moves, and also give some examples of what the first training sessions could look like. so that more women could get started with this. well. the short introductory text in english, finnish, and swedish. we are worth defending.

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