today. meeting with a woman. i felt support in having another human being there. it made it possible to enjoy some time outdoors. walking in the forest nearby. powdery snow. beautiful.
still difficult to meet with her. since she’s heavily influenced by societal patterns, and also the “truth” told on the inside. i feel i made progress in showing myself more openly. the traumatized, angry, sad, dissappointed, mistrusting, unsupported side.
it’s emotionally hard to go through the same things over and over again with people, who have been hearing “the conflict group is taking care of things”, Milla is violent and aggressive, non-cooperative.
it’s difficult to use words like trauma, and really have people relate to what that means. not being capable of trusting. suicidal thoughts. getting into emotional states, where it’s impossible to see what’s around me. numbness. violent hatred, hateful images of shooting a person in the head. same anger directed inwards, self-hatred. drinking. fear of moving (which in itself increases the negative feelings). strong feelings of terror and fear. going so much into negativity and hurt that i went crazy.
and this wasn’t all self-produced. it didn’t come from nothing. i was treated very badly for a very long time.
talking with the woman, also sends me back into the same feelings of helplessness and despair . i speak, and speak but there’s nobody there receiving.
she said that it’s difficult. believing everybody. expressing that she wants to be neutral. and in the next moment, that she doesn’t act because of fear of there being physical violence and shouting. not wanting to get into trouble. saying that i’m pressuring her, when i express what kind of support i want. and i admit. i’ve changed. i am putting pressure on people. cause there are so few that are in contact with me. and it’s an issue of human rights. and freedom of speech. and great human suffering. it’s about how we treat each other in the scene. i need for the ones who can reflect on the scene and the situation, seeing and feeling the oppressive atmosphere, to speak out. i’m tired of speaking and listening to the stories in private. never shared. because i’m not the only one with trauma. we’ve all gone through life. we all have our own exhausting experiences.
i was really emotional when speaking with her. trying to be as open as possible about the feelings i had about her own behavior in this conflict. most people don’t want to see themselves as responsible of having to solve this, or having anything to do with the fact that i’ve been pushed aside for so long. this woman felt uncomfortable with me expressing that i haven’t felt supported in this. she thought she had done a lot. talked with people. i was pointing out that i would have felt more supported if she would have been in contact with me, and asked me in what way she could give me support. that there had been a lot of talk about me. discussion going on. but that the one thing that i wanted. being involved in the discussion myself, wasn’t happening. that sure you can discuss and discuss, but without involving my reality, it can’t really lead anywhere.
she admitted that it’s easy to follow what the majority expresses. that there is peer pressure.
she expressed as well, that she thought that my way of opening up, felt like emotional violence to her. that me being emotional and saying clearly what i would like felt like pressure. i talked about my own feelings, of experiencing the same type of violence, when she went along in accepting my bans. saying that she could see that the bans could continue, as long as she would not be sure that i wouldn’t expose one male figure to emotional violence. i had called her “dominant seduction-führer privilege monster”. i said that i stood behind these words. and that i could explain it in a different way. and once again i was pointing out. that she in that case would have to stand up for having also this particular individual banned. and also another person who has been using physical violence. etc.
when going on the walk. i expressed my frustration and anger openly. in an emotional way. i’ve been traumatized by this and i can’t remain calm when speaking of it. not feeling that my words and reality is being understood.
when i related to a situation that had been really hard on me. i also touched her in an aggressive way, to get her attention, and she felt uncomfortable with that. it was emotionally upsetting for me talk about the relation i had had with this one individual, who called herself a friend, and hid the fact that she had actively been a part of closing me out. that that relation had been really hard on me, cause i had felt close to her. loved her. and then she had also used this male seduction patterns on me in order to avoid discussion.
this is the thing that’s difficult for me to talk about. because women are never believed.
i had had a meeting with this person. and patiently pointing out sexist patterns, aggression in her writing to me. how she was blaming me for being treated badly. saying that other don’t listen to me because of my way of speaking. that there was something wrong with me. when i tried to explain how i had experienced these situations, she interrupted me. called me teflon. as if i can’t take in other people’s realities. she got aggitated. and i was touching her shoulder. saying that she was getting defensive. i hadn’t seen her for a long time. and i was still in denial of what i felt about her. because of this totally insane situation. oppression from all over. denied, time and time again.
she talked to me about a site with pornograhic references, saying that “the guys” had said that it’s not possible to change it, because of whatever reason. this is the way that decisions are being made. no political discussion. just someone who talks with someone who then does something. there had been links to porn-sites, and these had been taken off the site. i felt it was really degrading listening to this. like i should be happy about this or something. still being banned. and not allowed to speak about anything.
i guess that’s why i put an sms conversation on some mailing list with the title “adult entertainment”. apparently she felt that was degrading. even though for her it’s ok to work with people who use this way of communicating all the time. and even thinks i should accept it as a part of the social centre.
she also said that people think i’m intelligent. (not smart enough to understand that this guy was not on the level with what was going on in the conflict).
anyways. after i had told her that she was getting defensive in the conversation. she calmed down. and started saying something about gender. but then kind of missed the word and said sex. repeating the words sex, sexuality a couple to times.
and it affected me. just the words, kind of taking me in the direction of that i would feel comfortable with this person. physical closeness would feel ok. so i was kind of zoning off somewhere.
she then kind of switched in the conversation. wondering how i felt about her. and i was just sitting there. just shaking my head. being confused. saying that i really didn’t know. she said that i had expressed some tender feelings towards her in an sms. [i had texted that i like her. and she had replied that that means a lot to her.]
she said there’s a connection between us. and i said “yes”.
and then she was wondering if we could go to the movies or the theatre, hang out “apart from the conflict”.
i was all silly. i was laughing. and so was she. i really don’t know why. i was laughing because of my reality. being in this heavy set conflict. where i had tried to explain sexist behavior to her. and then, it just didn’t matter to me. love. i guess. just being with her, making me not care.
i was pointing at the computer screen. saying “that is sexism”. like in a “i don’t know what to say” kind of way. she was sitting on my bed, putting my bunny slippers on. said that it would make her not “look so bad”.
i don’t know what was going on in her mind at that moment.
she left. and i kind of got out of lovey-dovey world. and realized that i hadn’t been cool with this situation. on so many levels. i wrote to her that things had not been ok. i don’t think i told her what had been going on in that situation for me. the reaction came later on.
it felt really degrading. that she was kind of charming her way out of speaking about oppressive behavior. she’s said she doesn’t feel that way about me. so i’m really disgusted that she used it as a power tool against me. especially since i do feel close to her. i had been feeling both yeeees! and noooo! in that situation.
it’s kind of sexist knee-jerk reaction. “what power tool, would get me out of this one? self-pity, or aggression, or seduction? denial, fiction?”.
once again i had not been listened to. i was talking about really oppressive behavior. and she totally denied it. called me “teflon”. and then just side stepping the whole issue of oppression. and me as a political being, patiently trying to point out the patterns. saying that the conflict isn’t that important. but that we could just start hanging out instead.
as if freedom of speech is nothing. as if penises drawn on the material i brought to the squat was nothing. as if being banned and kicked out from a mailing list was nothing. my human rights wasn’t that an important issue. we could just “hang out” instead.
she had the same kind of power play going on in the 7 hour conflict resolution. i asked her about how she felt about me talking about love. i had told her before meeting up, that i was in love with her, and that i wanted her to take that into consideration. try to be sensitive to this, cause it made me feel really insecure.
i had expressed before, what the previous situation had felt like. and i had told her that i didn’t want to got through a similar experience again. that i found it degrading. i didn’t feel safe being alone with her. so there was one woman facilitating. and another there as support.
she had asked for one woman to be there as her support. and i had told that that would be under the condition of this woman not speaking during the meeting. and that if there was something that this woman wanted to say. that they could agree on a hand signal. and that they could walk outside and talk, and then that the information/thought/feeling could be related through the mouth of “my loved one” if she thought it would be worth sharing with the rest.
i set these boundaries. cause i was feeling extremely vulnerable, and the same woman had been shouting at me and been aggressive towards me, when i had been sitting on the bridge outside the squat, waiting for some people to try to get me into a house meeting, where i could talk about my situation with sexism/the bans.
and also because i had experienced another situation some years before, where she set her boundaries by screaming at me. i had been in a meeting. and i still had this overactive way of just speaking my mind whenever. not leaving space to others. easily interrupting. and i had done that with her. and then she was just screaming at me. it took me some time before i got over this reaction from her. but i still understand what she meant. it was not cool that i interrupted.
yes. she had had a really insensitive attitude towards me on the bridge. i told her that the situation was overwhelming and i had asked her to just leave me along. and she was standing over me, with a farily aggressive attitude, just telling me i shouldn’t be there.
so that’s why i had asked for these conditions. because i didn’t want to risk her having this really hostile attitude towards me, in a situation that was really hard on me anyways. hmm. yes another condition for her being there as support, was that i would have the right to tell her to leave, if she would say anything during the meeting. it would have been really damaging having a person taking advantage of the situation, just channeling more of the collective hatred my way.
[i can’t believe i’ve really lived through this whole thing. for so long.]
anyways. during the seven hour meeting. i was pointing out sexist expressions in a public response made on my international call for solidarity.
and i didn’t go into the personal letters. that had been really hostile.
the woman facilitating asked us to talk about our personal relation at some point. and i started asking about love. that it’s very common that men use women’s love. and that i was wondering about, how she had felt about that. that i had been speaking about love some times [often when i speak or write it’s very spontaneous. and i’ve been kind of surprised looking at what i’ve been writing to her sometimes. like: “what the hell…?!” but yes. it’s easy for me to have this feeling about her. for some reason. and that’s why her male domination patterns had a really damaging affect on me. i had described it as reliving childhood trauma. being hurt by the one you love.]
her reaction on my questions was, that she didn’t know what to think about it. since i had made references to “family violence” so she didn’t know how to deal with that issue. that maybe after the summer. [yes. always: later… not now… after the revolution…] she also talked about that she felt frustration with not knowing how to soothe me. not knowing if she could get close and give me a hug. or “even a hand shake”. she was speaking with her whole body. and i enjoy, when people are vivid like that.
i asked about the her repeating the words sex, sexuality a couple of times in the previous encounter. and her response to that was that that had been some “academic” concept. she was asking the woman facilitating if this wasn’t used at the university. i don’t think the facilitator answered the question.
later in a break. she was in a kind of aggressive way saying that she’s like “a hostage” with me. the Stockholm syndrome. i associated to a text i had put together about women’s oppression. the patriarchal system, how women very often end up being extremely attentive to the men who are abusing them. sort of a hostage love. in order to survive.
i felt really weirded out by that behavior. it was a strange comment. the hostility that came with it.
and then when we split up. i asked her for a hug. it felt wonderful, being close. and then when she was putting her shoes on, i was just going blah blah. that there are a lot of things that are possible to do that are not related to sexism/feminism. like gazing at stars. or “bird watching”. she was once again a bit aggressive saying that there’s probably some “bird-feminism”. i don’t know what she meant by that.
i just know, that i feel very strongly about her. when we talked about love. it was difficult for me to stay focused and clear.
and that the whole process, of getting to know. not trusting. not being open about feelings, (being in heavy denial about what i was feeling myself, the confusion with heavy oppression. sexism from her. and that she didn’t tell me about her not wanting me in the project. and that she wanted my friendship, and at the same time denied the existence of oppression, and also her way of sliding into dominating [sexist] seductive patterns, when not wanting to deal with the issue) the whole insanity of everything and everyone.
being in a relation to her, where i didn’t know why i was in contact with her. because of being able to influence others [because of men being listened to] or that it was that she actually wrote a pretty sexist reply to my international call for solidarity. or that i felt dependent on her, cause for a long time there was nobody else i had contact with who is involved in the project. or for my own personal reasons. because of loving her. maybe having some kind of savior complex. or just loving her, and losing boundaries, and just thinking that “of course she understands”. when it was so clear all the time, that there was just some really weird miscommunication going on.
i talk with people. nobody understands what this conflict is about.
i still claim that it’s about human rights. free speech. sexism.
and sure. it was up close personal. it still doesn’t make it less political.
it took me a heap of effort to get her to accept the assistance of the conflict resolution group [which turned this conflict even more twisted… in the end… but there was also positive experiences there, and i feel i have some real communication with some of the people involved in the venture.]
she didn’t think that her international reply to my international call for solidarity had anything to do with the house. [!!! ??]
wow. this is a long text. total self-therapy. a thing that has been bothering me for a long time. and i’ve been anxious about doing the films in chronoligical order, so it’s really felt bothersome having to wait with this.
it was nice to just in a aggressive sad frustrated trauma way just get this told to the woman who was here today.
and still. even though i had told her this. she still went back to thinking that it wasn’t right for me to call this person dominant, seduction-führer etc. that i was using emotional violence when wanting to confront this person on a lot of sexist behavior. (plus feeling betrayed as a friend) and that this could be used as a reason to keep up the bans.
i pointed out that this should in that case not only be for me. but also for everybody else involved in the squatting project. and once again she was going: ah, yes, that’s true.
if banning and not discussing things is the way people want to deal with things. [not my way to go at all]
this blog is totally for me, myself and i. nobody reads these long texts.
but. i’m slowly returning to life. it was a good thing meeting with my friend today. even though her way of thinking is stressful, and i can’t deal with it, cause of not having had time to heal in this mess. but at least there was an openness there. and that felt good. and walking outside was good. tomorrow i’ll go swimming.
i’m amazed that my brains are still functioning after all this time without physical activity.
todays lyrics: Goldfrapp – Utopia. made perfect sense the first time i felt this strong love. makes sense with this love as well.