update – lack of empathy, trauma hell again, trust

making videos, doesn’t make any sense to me, cause they are not very clear, and just get boring for people to watch, not making any sense.

i’m too un-healed to put energy in getting to understand editing, or working on what i should say, before recording.

yesterday i had a long chat with (d) and ended up re-traumatized. i had told her before i don’t feel comfortable with her making gender jokes. and also that i didn’t feel comfortable when we had a conversation and there was a whole lot of song lyrics mentioned with misogynist content. i had told her before that i don’t feel comfortable with hearing her state negative things about women, since she’s a male person, and also because of her general way of being (a bit rough around the edges. we really work on understanding one another). i have repeatedly pointed out that i’m traumatized and that it takes time for me to trust, and i speak about the non-trusting openly, because i want to create trust by being open and honest. so then we talked on, and there was some sentense that triggered her. and she made a sarcastic remark on her being antifeminist and that the only reason for her coming here was that she found me attractive. asking me if i found this plausible. and then i once again pointed out, that this is the thing i feel uncomfortable with, and that i didn’t feel okay with sentenses like that. and she said that she had done it on purpose. because she wanted me to have strong feelings and reactions. which totally flipped me out. pushed me over the edge. feeling that once again i have no control over my life. making clearly stated boundaries. having the patience to point it out in several chats and the asshole says she does it on purpose to create strong reactions.

i went into shock. trauma hell again. terror and fear. i couldn’t write properly. i was too upset. but i managed to get back into dialogue again. after shouting asshole over and and over again. repeating that i am traumatized over and over again. and that she was completely insensitive deliberitely pushing shit my way, that i’ve clearly stated i don’t want to hear. just to “check reactions”.

i managed to calm down, and i think she understood what had set me off. feeling completely unsafe with her. and then i was asking why she had done it, what had triggered her. and it turned out to be a male privilege issue. that she felt inadequate when i expressed feelings of loneliness. she had felt like a failure. that her company wasn’t good enough. she thought that there was some criticism in what i said. she also thought i had had some kind of “hidden” meaning in some statement i had made on relations people have with each other. that i was expressing “extreme” mistrust towards her. [the different colors and underlines are made by me.] i had been talking about the difficulties with internet communication.

me: and also interaction with real live human beings can feel difficult
like not knowing if people are really being themselves
or just bending and shaping themselves according to the company
(d): yea im not myself
im really a total antifeminist
i just want to gain your trust cause i find you attractive
does it feel plausible?

me: i dont like that
i really feel uncomfortable with these type of “jokes”
because of the reality that i have lived with
lately.
(d): im sorry but i know you do
it was on purpose

now
and the question is real
do you feel its plausible?
me: why did you do it purpose?
i dont believe in good or bad
i know from your way of behaving
that you dont have enough experience of dealing
with traumatized women or
a very feminist way of expressing yourself
(d): yes thats true… very true
me: this is clear to me
you dont have the type of sensitivity that feminist men with experience have
(d): yes
i guess so
me: why did you do it purpose?
(d): i wanted you to really think about this… have strong feelings and thoughts about it
and then react on it

cause you expressed your fears on this issue
and you being uncomfortable with my flirty behaviour
me: i m FFUCKING UPSET&
asshole
assholoe’
asshioe
asshole
asshole
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(d): im sorry i dont really get things now…
me: YOU HAVE ABOUT ZERO SENSITIVITY
“!½Q
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you admit openlöy that you admit openly that
you ju7st you just
can say nasty jokes
whenever the fuicvk uop whenever the fuck you
fer3el feel
liokikle like
ikt casyu,.gEH it cause you feel
asswssssxshiolöe asshole
(d): its not a joke Milla pls…
i just wanted you to think about this exact thing
me: (D)
I AM tramtized traumatized
TRAUMATIZED
SO DONT FUCKING
START SAYINMG start saying
THAT YOU CVAN that you can
CHOOSE
TOP DOT to do
ZS JWHATEVER THE FUC,K YOU ÅPLAEASE whatever the fuck you please
BECAUSWE YOU FEELM LLI9JKWE PLSYIONG A BIT TO CHECVK NMY REAcations because you feel like playing a bit to check my reactions
ass hole’ asshole
you can ask in
(d): im sorry… i didnt want to “play”…. its just an issue in the air… thats what i wanted to say…
me: a nice sensitice caring way a nice sensitive caring way
not make “jokes on påurpose not make “jokes” on purpose
when this is the exact thing i been tellijng yiou when this is the exact thing i’ve been telling you
(d): i really have no idea what this invokes in you
sorry…
me: over and and over agin over and over again
i dont felel ciomfortavle i don’t feel comfortable
with
ASSSZSSHOLE asshole
fucki9ng faxcist sezxisgt fucking fascist sexist
fuckionhg niot fucking not
klnowint knowing
äqnything anything
(d): ok… this must be something really special to you… i guess i just dont understand…
me: i told you i dont like these type of “jokes”
how can i make it fucking clear to you
do i neexd to liock yuouir feet do i need to lick your feet
how do i make it clear to yiou how do i make it clear to you
?
and the you say you do it on purpose becauase you qwant and then you say you do it on purpose because you want
to chekl to check
reactions reactions

i was making several comparisons. like for instance if someone would say that they feel really uncomfortable with having their elbow touched. that they have an issue with that. because of trauma. and then the person goes on an touches that elbow, just to get a reaction. (when first saying: sure, i won’t…)

and this i add now: it would be the same thing, as touching the elbow, and then ask them what’s wrong with them, why they don’t trust enough. instead of in a sensitive empathic way just ask: “What would make you feel better? What would make you feel safe?”

me: i want to be able to trust you
this means
no sarcasm
no ironic comments
snyde remarks
but you trying to instead express
your own fears and insecurities
in clear sentenses
this is what i’ve tried to do
when i’ve been speaking about the trust issue
setting boundaries
this is what i wish from you as well
bare naked honesty
expressed in a sensitive way
not testing reactions
if you have a problem with me not trustin you
then i feel this is what you should express
or if you were wondering if i have problems trusting you (which i feel i’ve clearly expressed many times)
then you could have just asked.
instead of in some kind of blaming way
like with some kind of “do you think i’m going to rape you” comment or something like that
(d): im sorry…
me: trying to point out that you have
no intention of harming me
if this is what you were trying to say
what were you trying to say?

it was nice to understand what had triggered her in the first place. her own feelings of distrust and insecurity. having to do with some sort of entitlement of having a “right to” or “deserving” my trust. and it was nice to hear her reflecting on that.

and i also felt more safe, being able to express that this was sexist behavior. male privilege. and that i see this as a deep habit, and that i don’t expect her to stop immediately, just like that, and that i would feel safer if i can just call her on it the next time. and she was ok with that.

i don’t know what she feels about me posting a part of the chat. i haven’t asked her about what she feels about that.

it would be nice to post the whole thing. to show the development in it.

i felt okay, when we ended the talk. i felt i had been listened to. i felt heard. i’ve been stressing many times that i’d like for her to think about what would make her feel safe and comfortable.

i felt i ended up, feeling more safe in our relation. and i would still like for her to figure out what would make her feel more safe. i’m really looking forward to doing work with her. it will be really special to work together with someone for once. a whole month!

and today i wrote an email to a friend. encouraging her to show more anger. women’s anger is so taboo.

here’s the letter:

SUBJECT: shouting at people

hello,

you have said many times that you think it’s not right to “break” people. i disagree with this. shouting at people, you have a right to do that. that’s what i think.

you have a right to flip out. especially if the person has done something not right to you. i can show you a chat that i had yesterday, where i was re-traumatized. and where i was shouting. feeling highly unsafe. and still managed to get into real dialogue. talking about what triggered who, at what time, where.

i think especially you, (?), have a right to freak out. you have a right to direct your feelings outwards some time. without feeling that you have damaged another human being for life. you have a right to show open anger. instead of directing it inwards, taking it out on yourself (suicidal thoughts and all that. the life of a woman, never reacting against the aggression directed towards her, by getting angry at the world, or the people causing the pain)

we live in a world where male aggression is reproduced in images around us all the time. it’s accepted, and feels normal. there are hardly any images of women’s anger. and even a woman disagreeing, saying no, or having a different opinion is perceived as a big threat.

like (??) in her statement. saying that (???) (????) and i was “attacking” her when we expressed our reality. that it was a horrible experience for her. just us speaking our minds.

you have a right to get angry at others than yourself. and you have a right to get comfort from people who really care, instead of the ones causing all the hurt and pain (like this is just me, reflecting on my own damaging patterns. how i was having really damaging sex. with so many men. i’m not saying that you are. you talk about expressing what touches feel nice, and what touches you don’t like [for instance with (?????)]. i just remember something you said about how you felt being with (??????) [i dont remember her name. (???????)’s friend.] that you felt uneasy about the touches afterwards)

men are raised into having controlling behavior. and women are raised into being tender care takers. never putting our own feelings first. never showing anger. this pattern was clear to me when (!) had a lot of aggressive behavior towards me at the meeting at the peace station, and you were comforting her. even though this could have been yourself in the same position. a woman speaking her own mind, being banned for talking about real sexist behavior, and the focus all the time shifting from the sexism to what a bad woman this is, how her character is utterly flawed.

(!)’s reasons for having me banned then. was that i had written the call for solidarity (a solidarity i’m still calling for in many ways. a solidarity i need. a solidarity any woman in my situation should have.) she thought the call for solidarity was hateful. i remember you saying that you thought that i was just telling about things that had happened to me. (!!) was also saying that she didn’t doubt that the things in the letter had really happened. (!) also thought that i should be banned because i had clearly told her that i couldn’t give her a hug, when she felt she was in need of that. instead i had told her, to take care of her needs. she also said that creating a women’s separatist space (a safer space) was not right, because i hadn’t created a space for the boys [at which point i had asked for someone else to answer to that, and (!!!) was pointing out that it wasn’t my responsibility for making that happen]

when everyone is crazy. and nobody cares. and

well. i’d like to show you the chat sometime, where i was shouting. because the person clearly wasn’t sensitive to my needs. maybe sunday 30th.

you will not damage anybody for life, by getting angry. instead. i think you could actually heal yourself. i’ve felt for a long time, that you really need to get really angry sometime. scream at some people. (and hopefully the people who have hurt you)

❤ milla

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