update – fear

feeling: insecure. getting pissed off every once in a while. and everytime i start thinking about how badly i’ve been treated in this by this one male person, i try to not create enemy images. just see this as a person who’s not in the same space as i am. on a different journey. and the sadness i feel over how much pain this person’s behavior has caused me, i try to remind myself, that it’s only love, making me feel this hurt. if i accept the love i feel, it makes me stronger. unconditional love for the human being. hating the behavior and actions and thoughts and mentality this person displays. but the person itself is, just like me, worth loving. like kids. no one is evil. (why is there such an enemy image made out of me all the time?)

otherwise, i’m trying to make some films. but it feels really overwhelming cause it’s just too much material, that needs to be put into some neat package. and i feel all fuzzy without edges, not knowing how to make sense to others. this is the disadvantage of usually working alone. when there’s no feedback, it’s very easy to feel that i’m just going: gaah gaah bluuu blaaa. hello! is there anybody out there!? on the other hand nothing makes any sense anyways, and i can just make this for myself now, and reorganize it later.

i dread december 13th. but i know it will be some sort of learning experience. it’s good to face those emotional blobs, like pulling out an ailing tooth. just trying to ignore it causes more pain than recognizing it’s there, and that something needs to be done about it. pulling it out causes discomfort and pain, but will eventually make you feel better. in this case it’s been sexism that’s been ignored. and the dread i have is that this tooth will not be checked and pulled out in december. but instead there will be a lot of focus on me, causing the pain, by pointing at the tooth rotting away. raging people with flaming tooth aches. that’s what i fear.
and then: i’ve gotten a written statement from one person who won’t be able to attend the meeting, i’ve asked to have it published on the blog. still waiting for a reply. and there’s another person who will write a statement as well, cause she’s leaving the country.

and i decided to try to work on a text i started writing about a gathering i attended. talk about sexism and what i experienced there. to kind of disconnect from the thing going on here for a while. yes, i know it’s a weird way of disconnecting.

i should go hug a tree instead. enjoy the beauty of frosty green grass.

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One Response

  1. hello milla
    we haven’t met. I’m a friend of D. he lives now in vilnius, I think you know who i’m talking about. I’m also from budapest, partly involved in the group who is doing now the infoshop and freeshop there – i guess you met some of them, and some crazy (half)greek guy, V., and other ppl in greece this year:) i live now in czech republic, in brno, so I don’t do too much – there’s not much people here with whom I could do whatever revolution.

    this just a feedback (there is anybody out here)

    [i’m having my own fears and struggles, you can have some idea about them on my blog, check it if you’re interested.]

    take care
    h.

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