blaa

i cried some days ago. when i saw what message that had gotten through to (m). it was very bare and open. subject line: “Help ? (trying to be constructive. human) set a date please.”

i had been turning really aggressive. crazy. having mental problems. the nasty games played with me. and then finding out gradually that (m) had had a lot to do with it. i’m not blaming her for being dominant. and unaware of that she has a great impact on what happens around her. i wouldn’t call her manipulative. crazy. yes. like everybody else in this society.

so. had a chat with a woman, who’s pretty submissive. “love the world” kind of type. turning all the aggression inwards. self-hatred and depression. suicidal thoughts. it’s difficult speaking with her. because i encounter the dominant way of thinking all the time. over and over having to say that i’m being judged differently than the rest.

just as with the debate about language. that words like cunt, and homo, and all kinds of other supremacist expressions, used in order to categorize in a negative way, are said to be “free speech” and “free expression”. and saying that this would cause an oppressive atmosphere for people who experience this as degrading/uncomfortable, is the same as promoting “censorship”. and the same crowd goes raving mad if someone would use the word “sexist”… i’ve heard so many times that i should realize that people feel uncomfortable hearing that…

many times i’ve been called sexist myself in this. and i would very much like to discuss it. but the people allowed to use the word freely, without unsettling the mob, they’re usually not too interested in discussing what the hell they mean with the word. they are not interested in dialogue. they like to ban. and walk out. instead.

i cried twice today. reading the plead for help. seeing the human suffering. that is invisible to someone with a supremacist mind. no understanding of the human sacrifices, that are made in order to maintain the machine.

i was over at the court house today. to check a fine i’ve gotten. the same type of logic going on there. “no. this is how the rules go, and if you haven’t filled in this and that paper and there is not legal reason for why you didn’t bla bla.” the human aspect is gone. also just a machine. same system.

i guess i cried as well, cause of needing empathy, and knowing it’s difficult to get. because people aren’t aware of what they’re doing. like this submissive woman. several times i had to point out that (m) has done shit to me as well. and that x has sexually molested, and y has physically assaulted, and z has bla bla. pointing out that all should be banned in that case. using the same logic. the unwillingness to deal with things is to the advantage of the ones with privilege. and it’s seen as up to me to have to make the effort to solve each and every single individuals hostility and aggression and fear towards me.

the submissive woman’s own relation to me, is working fine. and i try to point out over and over again. that this is also valid and real. that she wants community. and she would have a possibility to make it with me, the way she wants it herself. that this should be possible. that she has a right to. she has a right to put her own feelings first.

it’s really hard having to deal with this over and over again.

i also cried. because the thought of having to go through all the mails. during a whole year. and all the incidents. and all the hell. the non caring. the hatred. for what?

at least it would be support to others in the same situation. it’s really important to know one is not alone. it makes it easier staying sane.

should read more about post traumatic stress and such. it would help me understand myself better. and also all the people involved in the movement. i guess. cause it’s a truly damaging place we’re doing our politics in today. we need to change.

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