had a nice needed break. met with polyamory people. and decided that i for sure will bring in discussion tools/forms etc (facilitation skills, consensus culture) in this community. i get too frustrated when i sit in a space where people don’t see each other. and turn into this irritated dictator facilitator. harshly interrupting discussions in order to give space to persons who otherwise would not raise their voice to bring their reality in to the group.
if felt nice talking and spending time with other people engaged with the same type of culture of self reflection and openness that i practice myself.
and then meeting up with a person who’s given me a lot of support. also with organizational skills. talked about the possibility of having a meeting to get some transparent structure for oranssi, in order for people to avoid burnout and having to go through the painful process of learning everything (mistakes and all…) from scratch whenever they decide to get involved. i’ve gotten a lot of support from this place, so it would be nice to contribute (or raise hell or whatever it is i do) in this community as well at some point.
it was nice hearing of the Krax meeting in Barcelona this spring.
KRAX_cargo is a Space of Documentation and Reflection on the implication of citizens in the transformation/construction of the city. KRAX Cargo is the visualization of a constant investigation inside the KRAX project. This archive, that offers advice and exchange of information from all implicated initiatives and their urban context, has a free access. You can find KRAX Cargo online http://kraxcargo.citymined.org and in our office in Barcelona.
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apart from nice conversation i also got some more names of people that might be able to help out in the resolution process.
i need strong experienced facilitation. it would be really weird if i would facilitate it myself. since it’s clear that there is a lot of hostility and fear directed towards me. i would also for once, like to be able to rest a bit. and be able to speak from my point of view without having to take into consideration everything happening around me at the same time.
a woman from annikinkatu (community in tampere) has been in contact. it’s possible we meet end of this month/beginning of december.
and another person was in contact suggesting to contact therapists/councilors with experience from the psychological effects of sexism.
i drank coffeee. and feel kind of at peace. it’s still hard to constantly have to just admit and accept that i’m in love. i feel fooled. but it’s my feeling, and it’s a positive thing. and it’s possible to get rid of the petty sides of it. and expand it, and enjoy it. i wonder when i’ll get out of the insanity of being heteronormative, including then being homophobic. it’s a part of the same package.
being in love is really insane. a good creative insanity. that can easily turn into a really destructive force.
i’m pissed off, cause i never “get” the ones i want. at the same time the thought of that happening really scares me. i don’t know why. irrational.
propaganda: i’m into relation anarchy. i couldn’t see myself living any other way. the only permanent relation i can promise to keep forever and ever is the one with myself. through sickness and health. through mad activism, privileged pampered artificial western/northern apathy/self-hatred/depression. till death brings my molecules back into some other shape or form of existence.
today: i think i really like myself. even though i should take care of my basic needs of exercise and healthy food. starting to see the end of this conflict. and the beginning of other projects. not being so hardcore oppressive, but constructive communicative appreciative and caring. i really don’t know why i’ve chosen to expose myself so completely to the thing that so totally brings me down. self development i guess. wanting to understand. i’m a curious learner in life. and i really hate sexism. i want to bring it to an end. over and done with. history. now.