oh life – the weirdness of it…

my life has been this conflict for about a year. it started when i entered the squat in Elimäenkatu last autumn.

it’s been a total roller coaster, and i’ve learnt so much. (shit being in love sucks, when i can’t just get into that love the world feeling. but want and need and just want to push it away cause i feel toyed with by the regular seductive male patterns. emotional games. just to get power. i was reading one of the first mails that (m) sent to me. i had written a mail about how i saw her. respectful, easy to talk with and easy to play with. and that she had a strong will of her own. i said it’s a quality all us stubborn kids should have. both big and small.

i remember when i called her the first time. we met. and how we sat down on a rock. a bit away from the others. i moved closer to them. felt confused by her attention. she’s intense. and i like that. i don’t even remember what we talked about. i guess i was talking about my usual life. conflict. and i remember getting some vomit in my mouth, that i spat out. cause of drinking too much coffee. not taking care of myself. i’m still like that. but yes. i think i felt some kind of interest – energy – liking. whatever. right from the start. like when it just feels really easy being with someone. anyways. i ended my first mail with “milla lonely & depressed. [not even desperate anymore. just gray and boring.]”. i don’t really remember anymore but i think it has something to do with the very first time we met. and exchanged phone numbers. and i said i was lonely and depressed then, or something like that. and maybe she marked me down in the phone with those words. i don’t really remember. but i have some vague recollection of that. well. her reply to me. when i saw it the day before yesterday. it just dawned on me. i have lived some moments when there was vagueness in our relation. situations that i didn’t ask about. but i didn’t remember the first mail. that she ended with. “(m) occasionally lonely, but not d******”. i never asked her about that. but it’s something that i would ask about today. cause to me that’s some kind of flirty tone. unnecessary. the kind of stuff that guys always say, that “no, it wasn’t meant like that”. but seriously. what does it mean?? why would she say something like that? isn’t that a strange way of expressing oneself?)
so. i haven’t talked about anything else but this conflict for a year. no other life. just this. i’m a one subject person.
i just read a statement from (m). speaking from her side of how she’s been experiencing the conflict(s). she feels accused and wrongfully pointed out as having anything to do with me being locked out for so long. i’m glad she brought out some of the sms and emails that i sent. and also some of the situations that i have experienced differently. because then it’s valid for me to compare that stuff with stuff that affected me in a negative way. situations where i wish she would have had greater sensitivity. and then after having a total breakdown, boomeranged right back at her. in sarcastic desperate hurt love. the kind of “love” you read about in the tabloids here. like this ski jumper, matti nykänen and her wife mervi, couples that stab each other (kind of finnish culture. it’s not really a culture where people talk about things. communication isn’t a big thing).

so. yeah. all those statements and sms are from a hurt being. and they stem from situations that (m) just thought was nothing. situations and acts and words that had a big impact on me. when i was very weak. but i’ll go through all that. little by little. and i guess i could just tell straight: (M) i understood from what you wrote that you are reading this. so i would just recommend you wouldn’t, if you can’t take my reality as nothing but attempts to demonize you. this is not my intention. it’s just me openly reflecting about situations and behavior and my own feelings. not attacks on you. this space is here not as an attack against you or the movement, but it’s here for me, and others who can recognize themselves in my reality. and others who wish to learn.

i love you. i really do. and i’m sorry that my vented anger sadness frustration twisted! mad passionate love [ i could also call it post traumatic stress symptoms ] affected you badly. the pent up rage that came out in the outpour of sms and mail some weeks ago. and i wish that i could make my politics or myself as a person understandable to you. i tried for a long time. but my way of speaking does not seem to make sense to you. just as a lot of what you’ve done does not make any sense to me. i don’t understand you. and i’m really sad that you’re encouraging others to take a stand against having me in the community because you don’t trust me or like my politics or guerrilla way of fighting this struggle of getting heard and taken seriously. if you really feel there is no other way than for you to leave the entire radical scene if i would be welcomed back by the people who can relate to what i do, or do not feel threatened by it. well. i wish there would be some way for you to find balance in your life. get over the hurt. and just accept that you can’t get along with everybody. and that it’s possible to live with it

i do not see you as a monster. but i do see that you use power and influence in a not so cool way. and being on the outside, of course i feel affected by it. and scared. that i have to go through every little thing. prove every situation. instead of just getting listened to. i hope december 13th will be a chance for us to really share. not find out who’s supposed to stay and who’s supposed to leave. i agree with you that this conflict has to do with the community. not just you and i. but the you and i part has a lot to do with it for me. because it was a big part of my life. and because of course, since i see that most things are structural, i also think that others can recognize the patterns that we played out, and also how this could affect the course of the conflict at large. i can not stress this enough. i love you. i seriously don’t understand you. but i love you. and will really try to understand where the hell you’re coming from, when we meet in december. i absolutely appreciate that you will be there. it’s a dream opportunity for me to finally be able to confront a guy about sexist behavior. with the part of the community that’s interested in it being there. it’s never ever happened before. i really appreciate that you give this opportunity. (even though you’ve been avoiding it… and tried to block it etc… and that you feel like shit when you’re confronted on your shit.) but anyways. DONT READ THIS if it makes you feel bad. there’s simply no point. i will not send private sms email nor phone or fax you. if you read the blog it’s like you’re exposing yourself to it deliberately… just don’t. take care of yourself. ❤

back to me. and free speech. and free expression. equal space to speak.

shit. many times. i felt this big love for her. and at the same time this total hurt. and i just wished we could be together and not speak. i wanted peace and comfort from the same person whose words and behavior caused me the most pain. so i was thinking that it would be great if we could just be silent together. that she would shut up. words create a lot of confusion. and sometimes: pure paranoia. trust is a difficult issue. openness helps. talking about feelings and situations. otherwise it just ends up in a total mess. completely different realities clashing galore. and a lot of emotion all over the place.

my greatest frustration in this is that i just don’t know how to love this specific individual. it’s impossible. i can’t satisfy her.

yes. women’s liberation (and the liberation of men and intersexed into being sensitive caring human beings instead of gender) are important issues. but i really just wish i would know how to talk with this person. it just doesn’t work.

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