shortly: meeting where the possibility of lifting my bans will be discussed will take place december 13th.
long emotional pour out version. it feels really hard writing this. i got so emotional. the pressure, the smirking uncaring smiles, the “she leaves or i will (and of course i’m the one who should stay, cause i’m the good guy, and she’s shit.)”
ironically todays meeting took place a the “peace station”. (p) who’s been such great support and (s) who also gets nuts by the bureaucracy and the lack of self reflection so present in the scene. and a new face (ra). i was waiting somewhere else, staying prepared to come and answer questions if anybody would want to know anything (hear the censored-out side of the story).
(p) called and i met with (ra). a pleasant surprise. we talked outside the peace station. they were having a break in the meeting. it was cold. so we stepped inside. and after talking for a while (ra) asked me why i wouldn’t just come down to the meeting myself. and then we went. i got a special invitation. it felt nice.
when i came into the room one of the dominant women that i’d like to confront (t) was speaking. (she’s declined confrontation or conflict resolution. it’s easy when you are on the inside. you don’t have to be accountable for anything. she did a really horrible job on the conflict resolution. voted against having me coming in and speak for myself. still claiming neutrality. completely insensitive to my situation. i felt really uncomfortable with her way of working with it. and that she never answered any questions on her motives for acting the way she did.)
i was standing behind her. (k) was making a technical point hand sign. saying that i should leave the room. a few people went very upset. (m) was saying that i’ve been stalking her the whole autumn and that she would leave if i wouldn’t. i didn’t say anything. just stood there and watched. my heart was beating hard. i’m not so afraid anymore, as i was before. a bunch of people, with feelings, incapable of reciprocity and communication. for some reason. bullies. maybe they don’t intend to be, but that’s the kind of atmosphere their behavior create to me.
i love (m). i do. and i try to accept the feeling instead of just going crazy not understanding her reality. the thing that bothers me the most is the unjust way of her taking out her own personal shit, using her power and status to exclude me from doing work i know i would do very well. she’s silencing me. speaking on top. her hurt feelings are worth more than mine. the shit she did to me doesn’t count. cause i’m out. i’m not the movement. i’m not a guy. i’m not with the in-group.
there was clear domination going on at the meeting. hands and voices up about me staying there or not. the facilitator said people shouldn’t talk too long about this, gave speaking turn to two persons. (s) and (jh). (s) started saying that she had prepared a few lines about this. and took out a paper. immediately she got interrupted by (t) and then (k) and two more. not waiting for their turns to say anything. (s) tried to speak, but got actively silenced. nobody doing anything. she later said that she’s not so good at reacting in these situations. that she gets too caught up in the situation somehow. she had a really good statement about what was going on in that situation. she will pass it on to me later. about how, when something can be discussed, the discussion just turns meta. “not the right time” “not the right group” “not the right place” etc. i hope she remembers sending it. cause it was good. and she didn’t get to say it… because of… the exact statements above…
i raised my hand and asked if i would be allowed in later myself, when “my case” would be discussed. someone just answered a random yes (a lie). and i asked “when?”. (k) smirked and said “five” in a sarcastic tone. i asked how many agenda points was left. and the answer was: one. so i said i would go into the kitchen and wait.
i had been drinking coffee. and didn’t know what i was feeling. scared or stressed or happy that someone invited me in. i drank water. and did some astanga stretching to relax. read some of Dalai Lama’s “Ancient wisdom Modern world. ethics for the new millenium”. it was nice speaking with (p) and (ra) when there were small group discussions. getting to know each other. talking about society. the movement. self reflection. the strange group behavior going on whenever “my case” got talked about. the lack of common sense. why not hear me out, when i’m sitting two metres away?
(y) was out in the kitchen. “but, milla…” don’t i understand that people feel uncomfortable and that they need time and … and i was asking her if she felt uncomfortable. i’m tired of the general statements that people do. instead of speaking in “i” sentences. just saying how they are feeling. i’m especially tired of it since i’m always told that i “make” people feel. instead of people pointing out what behavior it is that makes them feel whatever it is they are feeling. make a neutral observation and state a feeling. anyways. she said she felt uncomfortable.
and later there was (hm). (p) had said that while people once again were discussing me without having me present. that (hm) had suggested that there should just be a ban put for a year. and that’s it. instead of discussing (well the meta thing. “not here, not now, not…. cause we’ve already talked about it so many times…”). i asked her about it. she said she was leaning towards a ban. and that she thought that there would be a pro ban decision the 13th. she thought that the fact that i had spied on a conversation going on about me on a mailing list from (m)’s computer was reason enough to have me banned. [she called it “hacking”. i’m not that clever with computers. i would more calling it, being drunk, wanting to know, and pressing the “sign in” button.] i admit it was a shitty thing to do. and fine that (m) doesn’t trust me. but that the whole movement… ??! kind of absurd. should we go through the lives of all the people involved in the scene and check every single little incident of breach of trust and betrayal and insensitivity and carelessness. it just doesn’t make any sense. so (m) is hurt. can’t we just agree on leaving that (once upon a time actually loving) friendship be. she should stop projecting her shit on me. and i should be allowed to confront her on sexist behavior. at some point, those magic moments of confrontation, should just be allowed to exist. instead of this power abuse.
(p) was pointing out that the difference between me and the rest is that i’m at least accountable for what i do.
and i was asking (hm) about some lies that i’ve heard she’s spreading around. that i’ve said that all men are rapists. and (hm) said she had heard that from (v).
hmm. after i had been waiting in the kitchen alone. (p) had come out. gave me a hug. and said it didn’t go so well. but at least there was the date.
i lost it again. i’m aware that i have charisma. even though i’m always put in the “shame on you, bad bad girl” position, i’m aware that i do have “power”. so i might possibly have seemed like some mad raving jesus-complex sect leader person… i was just shouting “COWARDS”. and “PELKUREITA” in finnish. probably not grammatically correct… banging my fist in the table. once again not being able to be present when there’s a decision being made about me.
i’m a toy. a ball to kick around.
anyways. one woman took my phone number. said she would call next week.
another said she didn’t want to get involved. (that’s the most common reaction. well number two after – “i really don’t understand what this is about”. and my standard reply being “me neither. i don’t understand why i got banned. and i would really like to know.”)
(y) talked about this blog. that it’s an attack against the scene. that people in foreign countries who might google social centres in finland and might end up on this one, and might not understand that there “really is” a social centre. i said that the “about” page explains it fairly well. and that there’s also a link to the other web site.
(p) was stating that *it is* representing the social centre. it represents her and me. and later she was pointing out that people who are interested in social centres ending up on this blog would also end up in a space for people interested in building community. so there’s not really any down side to it. unless you see squatting as a brand. that needs to be protected somehow.
talked a bit with (he) and dog. met her at the train station. it was nice just seeing her again. talked with (ka) was totally emotional, crying. just trying to find out what kind of bureaucratic monster had been created when i wasn’t in there. cause to me it would be so important that there would be decision right when talking about my bans. cause i just can’t take it emotionally anymore. i couldn’t expose myself to a situation where it would be possible for people to once again say. hey you are shit. and we dont care. and so what you are banned. bye bye. so i understood that there was going to be a meeting where it would be possible to talk about having a meeting where my bans could be lifted… how sick is this scene!! why do people support this!! everybody just comes out of meetings and shake their heads as if they weren’t inside the meeting and would have been capable of affecting it in anyway. i guess the problem is that the ones who are not for domination don’t “threaten” by leaving or talk loudly on top of others speaking turns. (i’m angry and saaaaad about how im being so totally ignored all the time. not seen as a human being with feelings)
at the same time being totally emotional about how this scene is totally self destroying and pushing new interesting people away, i was still capable to in some weird mental way expressing gratitude for getting in contact with (ka) in this mess. i really like her. i hope to get to know her better.
was hanging out with (ra) (p) (s) after. it felt nice. normal people (yeah i’ve reversed that expression completely… normal means nice and good and safe to me. people who are evil and sexist and racist and homophobic and loving and caring and open and whatever. and can talk about it. people who know how to self reflect. people like me.)
it was nice getting creative. how to hunt people down and make them self reflect? maybe tickle them until they will? “NNNOOOOH !! hi hi hi ha ha ha hii oookaaay i wiiillll hha hhaa ha!
how difficult can it be?
well. about self reflecting. my own blind spots:
i know the love thing is difficult for me. it’s hard to admit. but i know it makes it easier if i just stop going into denial and admit it. and accept that the world is crazy. and that a lot of people don’t ever change and that (m) will not just some day say. hey. i’m sorry. cause guys somehow never do that. how could something so nice turn so weird.
i’m in love. i’m in looooooove. i’m just totally ridiculous. i’ve been totally phobic about it. but now i understand those patterns better. so it’s not so scary anymore. i should probably make some video thing about it. blaaah.
blogs are nice. super self therapy. and freeeeee speeeeeeech.