13th december

shortly: meeting where the possibility of lifting my bans will be discussed will take place december 13th.

long emotional pour out version. it feels really hard writing this. i got so emotional. the pressure, the smirking uncaring smiles, the “she leaves or i will (and of course i’m the one who should stay, cause i’m the good guy, and she’s shit.)”

ironically todays meeting took place a the “peace station”. (p) who’s been such great support and (s) who also gets nuts by the bureaucracy and the lack of self reflection so present in the scene. and a new face (ra). i was waiting somewhere else, staying prepared to come and answer questions if anybody would want to know anything (hear the censored-out side of the story).

(p) called and i met with (ra). a pleasant surprise. we talked outside the peace station. they were having a break in the meeting. it was cold. so we stepped inside. and after talking for a while (ra) asked me why i wouldn’t just come down to the meeting myself. and then we went. i got a special invitation. it felt nice.

when i came into the room one of the dominant women that i’d like to confront (t) was speaking. (she’s declined confrontation or conflict resolution. it’s easy when you are on the inside. you don’t have to be accountable for anything. she did a really horrible job on the conflict resolution. voted against having me coming in and speak for myself. still claiming neutrality. completely insensitive to my situation. i felt really uncomfortable with her way of working with it. and that she never answered any questions on her motives for acting the way she did.)

i was standing behind her. (k) was making a technical point hand sign. saying that i should leave the room. a few people went very upset. (m) was saying that i’ve been stalking her the whole autumn and that she would leave if i wouldn’t. i didn’t say anything. just stood there and watched. my heart was beating hard. i’m not so afraid anymore, as i was before. a bunch of people, with feelings, incapable of reciprocity and communication. for some reason. bullies. maybe they don’t intend to be, but that’s the kind of atmosphere their behavior create to me.

i love (m). i do. and i try to accept the feeling instead of just going crazy not understanding her reality. the thing that bothers me the most is the unjust way of her taking out her own personal shit, using her power and status to exclude me from doing work i know i would do very well. she’s silencing me. speaking on top. her hurt feelings are worth more than mine. the shit she did to me doesn’t count. cause i’m out. i’m not the movement. i’m not a guy. i’m not with the in-group.

there was clear domination going on at the meeting. hands and voices up about me staying there or not. the facilitator said people shouldn’t talk too long about this, gave speaking turn to two persons. (s) and (jh). (s) started saying that she had prepared a few lines about this. and took out a paper. immediately she got interrupted by (t) and then (k) and two more. not waiting for their turns to say anything. (s) tried to speak, but got actively silenced. nobody doing anything. she later said that she’s not so good at reacting in these situations. that she gets too caught up in the situation somehow. she had a really good statement about what was going on in that situation. she will pass it on to me later. about how, when something can be discussed, the discussion just turns meta. “not the right time” “not the right group” “not the right place” etc. i hope she remembers sending it. cause it was good. and she didn’t get to say it… because of… the exact statements above…

i raised my hand and asked if i would be allowed in later myself, when “my case” would be discussed. someone just answered a random yes (a lie). and i asked “when?”. (k) smirked and said “five” in a sarcastic tone. i asked how many agenda points was left. and the answer was: one. so i said i would go into the kitchen and wait.

i had been drinking coffee. and didn’t know what i was feeling. scared or stressed or happy that someone invited me in. i drank water. and did some astanga stretching to relax. read some of Dalai Lama’s “Ancient wisdom Modern world. ethics for the new millenium”. it was nice speaking with (p) and (ra) when there were small group discussions. getting to know each other. talking about society. the movement. self reflection. the strange group behavior going on whenever “my case” got talked about. the lack of common sense. why not hear me out, when i’m sitting two metres away?

(y) was out in the kitchen. “but, milla…” don’t i understand that people feel uncomfortable and that they need time and … and i was asking her if she felt uncomfortable. i’m tired of the general statements that people do. instead of speaking in “i” sentences. just saying how they are feeling. i’m especially tired of it since i’m always told that i “make” people feel. instead of people pointing out what behavior it is that makes them feel whatever it is they are feeling. make a neutral observation and state a feeling. anyways. she said she felt uncomfortable.

and later there was (hm). (p) had said that while people once again were discussing me without having me present. that (hm) had suggested that there should just be a ban put for a year. and that’s it. instead of discussing (well the meta thing. “not here, not now, not…. cause we’ve already talked about it so many times…”). i asked her about it. she said she was leaning towards a ban. and that she thought that there would be a pro ban decision the 13th. she thought that the fact that i had spied on a conversation going on about me on a mailing list from (m)’s computer was reason enough to have me banned. [she called it “hacking”. i’m not that clever with computers. i would more calling it, being drunk, wanting to know, and pressing the “sign in” button.] i admit it was a shitty thing to do. and fine that (m) doesn’t trust me. but that the whole movement… ??! kind of absurd. should we go through the lives of all the people involved in the scene and check every single little incident of breach of trust and betrayal and insensitivity and carelessness. it just doesn’t make any sense. so (m) is hurt. can’t we just agree on leaving that (once upon a time actually loving) friendship be. she should stop projecting her shit on me. and i should be allowed to confront her on sexist behavior. at some point, those magic moments of confrontation, should just be allowed to exist. instead of this power abuse.

(p) was pointing out that the difference between me and the rest is that i’m at least accountable for what i do.

and i was asking (hm) about some lies that i’ve heard she’s spreading around. that i’ve said that all men are rapists. and (hm) said she had heard that from (v).

hmm. after i had been waiting in the kitchen alone. (p) had come out. gave me a hug. and said it didn’t go so well. but at least there was the date.

i lost it again. i’m aware that i have charisma. even though i’m always put in the “shame on you, bad bad girl” position, i’m aware that i do have “power”. so i might possibly have seemed like some mad raving jesus-complex sect leader person… i was just shouting “COWARDS”. and “PELKUREITA” in finnish. probably not grammatically correct… banging my fist in the table. once again not being able to be present when there’s a decision being made about me.

i’m a toy. a ball to kick around.

anyways. one woman took my phone number. said she would call next week.

another said she didn’t want to get involved. (that’s the most common reaction. well number two after – “i really don’t understand what this is about”. and my standard reply being “me neither. i don’t understand why i got banned. and i would really like to know.”)

(y) talked about this blog. that it’s an attack against the scene. that people in foreign countries who might google social centres in finland and might end up on this one, and might not understand that there “really is” a social centre. i said that the “about” page explains it fairly well. and that there’s also a link to the other web site.

(p) was stating that *it is* representing the social centre. it represents her and me. and later she was pointing out that people who are interested in social centres ending up on this blog would also end up in a space for people interested in building community. so there’s not really any down side to it. unless you see squatting as a brand. that needs to be protected somehow.

talked a bit with (he) and dog. met her at the train station. it was nice just seeing her again. talked with (ka) was totally emotional, crying. just trying to find out what kind of bureaucratic monster had been created when i wasn’t in there. cause to me it would be so important that there would be decision right when talking about my bans. cause i just can’t take it emotionally anymore. i couldn’t expose myself to a situation where it would be possible for people to once again say. hey you are shit. and we dont care. and so what you are banned. bye bye. so i understood that there was going to be a meeting where it would be possible to talk about having a meeting where my bans could be lifted… how sick is this scene!! why do people support this!! everybody just comes out of meetings and shake their heads as if they weren’t inside the meeting and would have been capable of affecting it in anyway. i guess the problem is that the ones who are not for domination don’t “threaten” by leaving or talk loudly on top of others speaking turns. (i’m angry and saaaaad about how im being so totally ignored all the time. not seen as a human being with feelings)

at the same time being totally emotional about how this scene is totally self destroying and pushing new interesting people away, i was still capable to in some weird mental way expressing gratitude for getting in contact with (ka) in this mess. i really like her. i hope to get to know her better.

was hanging out with (ra) (p) (s) after. it felt nice. normal people (yeah i’ve reversed that expression completely… normal means nice and good and safe to me. people who are evil and sexist and racist and homophobic and loving and caring and open and whatever. and can talk about it. people who know how to self reflect. people like me.)

it was nice getting creative. how to hunt people down and make them self reflect? maybe tickle them until they will? “NNNOOOOH !! hi hi hi ha ha ha hii oookaaay i wiiillll hha hhaa ha!

how difficult can it be?

well. about self reflecting. my own blind spots:

i know the love thing is difficult for me. it’s hard to admit. but i know it makes it easier if i just stop going into denial and admit it. and accept that the world is crazy. and that a lot of people don’t ever change and that (m) will not just some day say. hey. i’m sorry. cause guys somehow never do that. how could something so nice turn so weird.

i’m in love. i’m in looooooove. i’m just totally ridiculous. i’ve been totally phobic about it. but now i understand those patterns better. so it’s not so scary anymore. i should probably make some video thing about it. blaaah.

blogs are nice. super self therapy. and freeeeee speeeeeeech.

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2 Responses

  1. there was clear domination going on at the meeting. hands and voices up about me staying there or not. the facilitator said people shouldn’t talk too long about this, gave speaking turn to two persons. (s) and (jh). (s) started saying that she had prepared a few lines about this. and took out a paper. immediately she got interrupted by (t) and then (k) and two more. not waiting for their turns to say anything. (s) tried to speak, but got actively silenced. nobody doing anything. she later said that she’s not so good at reacting in these situations. that she gets too caught up in the situation somehow.

    I think it is a serious problem everywhere, not only in the social center. In every meeting there are some people who have power among others. This power can be officially formulated, like it is when there is a “chairman” who has a say in who can talk and when and for how long. In the social center there are no official power structures, but some people still control the situation.

    We discussed about many subjects during the afternoon. After we had discussed any particular subject for around ten statements (there were more than ten people present), people were just getting in into the discussion and more hands were raising all the time. It was clear that people needed to talk. Then some people start putting more and more pressure towards ending that subject and getting on in the schedule. “We don’t have time”, “I want to go home soon”, “This is not the right meeting for that discussion”. Sometimes those people had respect in the facilitation system, but sometimes, especially when the issue is unwanted somehow, they start shouting above the one who has been given a say by the facilitator. This was the case when I (s) tried to read those lines.

    It is understandable that sometimes we just can’t talk the whole night and have certain important decicions to be made. But this meeting, that I was taking part, was only a preparation for another meeting in which the actual decisions (including dates and times) would be made. Also, I think it foolish to try to be efficient in having discussions.

    Imagine we have five subjects that need to be discussed. We could start talking about the first subject and go on until there are no more hands raising. Of course, discussion would never be _finished_, but it would be “temporarily” finished as everyone had said everything she wanted. That way the first subject would be temporarily 100% finished, and we had no time for anything else.

    But if we keep a terrible hurry and get each of the subjects 20% finished (in finnish we have a saying: “juosten kustu”), we have achieved nothing else than frustration. Those subjects have to be started from the beginning all over again later on. Unfinished issues accumulate and make a ballast that has to be carried from meeting to meeting. This is the reason certain issues come to every meeting and people get frustrated about it. That’s why the atmosphere is tense all the time, with or without Milla present, regardless of the subject being discussed.

    Instead of the cause for the problem, I present the solution first: We should allow the discussion go on freely, as long as it takes, and let it finish naturally. We should be satisfied with the result, as it is what people really wanted. People wanted to talk, and we let them talk as long as they wanted to. The culture should encourage in raising up issues, also those which consume a lot of time. And the culture should encourage people to leave the meeting if they don’t feel they like to spend time on the particular subject any longer. It is ethically wrong to force yourself do unpleasant things, like sit in boring meetings. The room would have less and less people until the ones left would eventually desire something else. And the ones who left the room would spend their time much more creatively and have more fun somewhere else. Maybe they went to another room to discuss something else, which in turn would draw people, who are eager to take part, from the first room.

    If people who sit in the meetings are bored, or frustrated, they really don’t make anything good. All the results may seem to have a nice “shell”, but there is nothing but forced decisions inside. Those decisions are not anarchist in any means. They are dictated by those who control the technical course of the meeting, those who abuse consensus and threaten to go home if this is discussed and those who pretend to know for what we have time and for what not.

    Consensus is more than everyone’s veto right. It means that if there are different opinions, we expect that everyone is willing to make compromises so that consensus can be achieved. Consensus requires that the discussion is not limited in time or in subject, so that people can freely combine their thoughts. Consensus requires _time_.

    And people have too little time in our hectic society. This is how we are kept in leash. We can never achieve any true alternative society if we use so much of our time maintaining the old power structures that seal us from each other. If we never have time to talk real issues rather than fake shell issues, we are just repeating the oppressive society in a smaller scale in a so called “social center” (civil disobedience vs. the police” included).

    Course of action:

    1. Steal back your time
    2. Throw away your watch
    3. Collect all available papers containing time schedules, “lists of things to be discussed”, etc.
    4. Light a campfire, fireplace or sauna and burn those papers there
    5. Sit down, discuss and enjoy

  2. (s) started saying that she had prepared a few lines about this.

    Here are the lines:

    “Aina, jos konfliktista yritetään keskustella, herää soraääniä, joiden mukaan on väärä päivämäärä, liian vähän aikaa, väärä rakennus, väärällä tittelillä varustettu komitea tai vääriä ihmisiä läsnä samassa huoneessa. Jos haluatte tukahduttaa keskustelun, on siihen aina löydettävissä tekosyitä. Kysymys on ainoastaan siitä, kuinka taitava niitä on keksimään. Keskustelunavaus muuttuu älylliseksi kamppailuksi, jossa ratkaisee ainoastaan se, kuka pystyy nujertamaan toisen.”

    “Always, when there’s an attempt to discuss a/the conflict, some reluctancy emerges, according to wich it’s not THE right date, there’s too little time, it’s not THE right building/place, the falsely titled committee is not the right committee or not THE right people present in the same room. If you want to quench/silence dialogue/discussion/communication there’s always excuses to be found. The question is only about how skillful you are to come up with some. Opening of a discussion turns into an intellectual fight where the only thing that matters is who can beat another or the others.

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