sms:ing for support

sent sms to the few phonenumbers i have of some of the people i assume care for the so-cent-project. i don’t expect most of them to say anything at all. i expect the usual treatment of being ignored.

i was asking for support on having a meeting where the sexual harassment and my bans could be discussed (and lifted).

one man replied that i should not contact her anymore. i asked why. and got the same message back. and then i said i had received the same message twice and that i had asked “why?”. the answer was that i should leave the person alone because she says so.

i really wonder what kind of magic spell would make people show solidarity and willingness to talk instead of walling off.

well, one woman (k) has said she’s willing to go to all the meetings necessary to tell her point of view. and i really appreciate that.

and i’ve also been really grateful about (he)’s totally human approach to me in this. and also (e) who was the first one to say that she would have felt really bad if people would have treated her in the same way as they had been treating me on the list. people were speaking about me in third person. as if i wasn’t even there. things like: “what the fuck is milla doing on this list. i don’t want to receive her shit mail. i think she should be banned.”

it’s really difficult for me to understand this way of thinking. i really believe in talking things through. and also in making an effort towards creating spaces where everybody can  feel safe. so it would be really nice to know why i’m perceived as such a threat. why my free speech feels like censorship or attacks to other persons free speech/freedom. yes. my free speech was many times talked about as wanting censorship. i think it has a lot to do with the stereotypes that people have about feminists.

all i ever wanted was open dialogue. to start to get to some sort of understanding why we feel the way we do, and what can be done to make it better.

the lack of solidarity with this particular political issue smartens.

i remember asking for support from one guy, the guy i felt close to. after she first sent me a long email telling me in a very aggressive tone that i basically destroy everything i touch.. and that i should realize that it’s the way i speak about things that brings raw aggressive response from people around me,
and so on.

i was homeless at the moment. sleeping in public toilets. using the computers at the library to just desperately try to shift the horrible nightmare i was in some how. the problem was that she was the only person i had any real contact with at the moment. and the freaky way of dealing with this conflict, the bizarre way of siding with really illogical arguments. a call for solidarity being a “security risk”. an “attack against” the movement…

well anyways. after starting to read that mail from her, i just wrote her that i couldnt take it anymore. i didnt have the strength to read it through at the moment. that i would need more support to do that.

so i was begging her to stop it. repeating the words over and over again. that i didn’t have the strength to take it anymore. that i needed support.

and she wrote me back. the first sign of any kind of tenderness in a long while. and.. still. treating me as if i wasn’t a part of the project anymore. saying that i’ve been brave. and that she kind of misses my way of putting songs and poems in my emails. something that this male dominated activity just can’t tolerate. and that she was grateful for the work i had done. saying that this probably would make women get help in situations where they didn’t used to before. saying that this was probably the reason why a woman activist got support when she was sexually molested when being abroad visiting another squat.

but still. she was incapable of grasping the situation i was in. not understanding that the same thing that happened to the other woman, was happening to me, here in helsinki. and the same unwillingness to show solidarity, and treat this as a political matter, in the same way you would give prison support, or any other form of solidarity with comrades. that this was absolutely lacking. here in helsinki. with me.

instead she gladly believes that there’s something with my personality and way of being that brings others to say and do not so pleasant things. entirely my fault. others, including herself, are not responsible of their actions.

i didn’t feel okay with hearing that at all. i was in need of empathy and support and solidarity.

i still am.

i don’t know what this would have been like without having (p) around. both emotional and practical support.

for a long time i wasn’t able to take in other persons realities. i could only talk and talk and talk whenever i was in human contact. really a total nightmare. most of the time i feel numb. and scared.

i think the problem i had was that i really believed that people would start listening. not that there would be all this bureaucratic shit and hostility coming my way.

the thing that makes most tired in this, is that i know that if there wouldn’t have been all the written “evidence” i would have been in a word against word situation. and i would have been totally screwed over by patriarchy. i’m really sick to my stomach, dark spots all over my heart, that i’m in a position where i have to “prove” that i didn’t feel okay. and show this process over and over again. “look, this happened there, and this fits in with that societal pattern, and no one is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and we’re all just human beings on earth, and we have emotions and we can learn and we can be free if we want to.”

this is not the political reality i want to exist in. but i guess we all need to make an effort to make it happen around us, whatever it is we wish for. otherwise nothing will ever change.

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