just a short note, of what i hear over and over again. aint nothing new under the sun.
well first. that one woman who signed the petition of me “being impossible to communicate with in a sensitive way” (or something like that). she’s not in the country, but wishing me the best with getting a discussion going. so she’s not against it.
and then, another woman, also signing the same petition. firstly that she didn’t agree with everything stated in it. [hmm. just realized that petition isn’t the right word, since it was a joint statement made by a group of feminists within the scene. it’s strange that some other feminists within the scene didn’t get to hear about it, i guess that means that we’re not so well connected with each other.] anyways. secondly. that she supports the idea of having a discussion. that she doesn’t understand what is going on. and that she would most likely not be able to face the peer pressure of people being against having a discussion at the meeting saturday and monday. she said she was grateful i understood her position. i said that, sure i understand, but of course i would want for her to support having a discussion opening this issue up for so many who are totally lost with it, that it’s important to hear everybody out. i mean, even i don’t understand why i’m banned! and then i was expressing that i hope that in spite of group pressure, that at least she would be able to remain neutral, and not “vote” against having a discussion happening.
i asked another woman, who hangs out occasionally at the squat(s), but still doesn’t feel involved, what would make her sign a petition in favor of having an open discussion on the bans and the harassment et all. and she said she could sign it if she wouldn’t have to use her name, cause the scene is so small, and she wouldn’t want to get troubles by another person by having her name there publicly. she said she could sign a petition in favor of this, with a sentence explaining why she wouldn’t use her name. which i thought would be great. because it would show how the power relations work at the present time. people don’t do anything openly. they discuss with friends. decisions are made outside of meetings. and very often these decisions are based on how someone is feeling at the moment (if they’re pissed off with someone for personal reasons, or whatever reasons). it’s a kind of bullying friends system, where dominant persons get a lot of power, because no one ever holds a mirror to them saying “hey! people are afraid of you. or: hey! you just pushed that decision through or: hey! wake up!!”
i was in sms contact with another woman, that i presume signed the petition/statement. asking what i need to do in order to get solidarity. her reply was that i was to leave a certain male person alone forever. i had sent angry sms and mail to this person (gone freaky nuts – but i don’t feel guilty about it – i know it’s not ok behavior, but it feels good not behaving so damn correct and nice all the time). so this seemed to be her main reason for not showing solidarity. she didn’t answer anything else. i don’t know if she will be in contact with me again. she said she was angry and didn’t like my methods. i had replied that my “methods” had been going insane because of lack of solidarity and support. and that she could be in solidarity with whomever, but that i still would like to have support for just getting that simple democratic decision making process happening. that one little thing that’s been missing so far.
it’s kind of funny, the statement about me calling people sexist and this and that. (which is true, i like to call a spade a spade. i recognize sexist behavior in myself as well. so i do call myself a sexist as well. we all live with these patterns. it’s nothing strange or shocking to me. focusing on men and what men feel and want and push women away.) but at least two persons signing have called me sexist towards men. and there are a lot of men who call me sexist towards them [one man has made some comments on some films i have on youtube, that i’m a caterpillar feminist. and that i have no understanding of heterosexual men. and that i never smile to people with male genitalia]. so that would be interesting discussing at some point. what kind of sexism i am displaying according to these people. and then maybe i could talk about what kind of sexism i see happening in both myself and others. one woman signing the statement has also called my feminist work “rubbish”, when i on a mailing list was announcing a facilitated meeting where the international solidarity call and the international response were discussed (a bit at least). she had been tired of having me using mailing list for my own private purposes (!?)
i mean. i really wish there was greater solidarity between feminists. we need it.
please people! support a discussion! don’t fall for peer pressure. or at least give me some sensible reasons for why we can’t discuss all the things that have happened so far.
the reason why this is the last try. is because i noticed how much this has been wearing me down the last time. when after talking with one of the men that i’d like to confront on sexist behavior, and she saying that she doesn’t want to see me. and then we mentioned a possible press release, and then she was asking “is that a threat?” which from our point of view just felt ridiculous. what the hell does it matter what it says in the news papers??! unless you’ve made yourself a name, been representing the “movement” in the papers, and this other reality would tarnish the rightous perfect picture painted in the press?
anyways. the talk (threat?!) of a possible press release made her change her mind. and she said she would agree on having a confrontation. and after i went nuts – flooding her with sms and mail – she changed her mind again. (but i guess the main point is still there. there’s something seriously wrong with me and what i do and i should just realize it. stop using the word sexist/sexism/patriarchy and smile a bit more. be a bit more understanding… bahh!!)
i think a lot of people only use the movement to eventually get into “real” politics. using the scene to do some power play preparation to eventually move on to the next arena.
i’m not saying that this person is. just that we haven’t gotten to any real horisontal anti-authoritarian way of making decisions yet.
i hate feeling like this. hopelessness. total stress about the meeting tomorrow and monday. at least it’s fun having the blog. cause whatever kind of statement comes from the meeting will end up here.
my kind of politics. i’m sure it pisses a lot of people off. (it’s not meant to. but i’m sure it does.)
as well as making others feeling happy and free 🙂