“Feminist” men (Interlude)

by Milla [she=he]

I told Aron to back the fuck off. To leave me space to deal with what I clearly expressed is offensive and emotionally upsetting material. Male chauvinism. — I went Mental CRAZY when we chatted, and I will make blog posts explaining it further, starting within a week ***— The guy is doing Absolutely Nothing herself to put the text together. But is instead taking enjoyment in Repeatedly posting offensive stuff before I even get the chance to take a rest, and look through the material, and collect enough Energy: Energies Needed to make the Effort to explain the Impossible — The guy is behaving like a jerk. A total jerk.

To quote the guy:

“you have been totally disgracing dfmeinism

by usiong these word sin vain

calling things sexist when they are not”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Anti-sexist man

“the experience is all in your head”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Anarchist man

“yes you a what you call a reversed sexist”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Feminist man

I posted the thing below on the guy’s facebook wall. I doubt it will stay up. I’m not allowed to comment. Well, well. What kind of feminism is that? She has no problem going after other men, and collecting praise from women for the heroic efforts made. But a woman with complaints?

The guy chose to write a private comment to me on chat instead, telling me to “show respect”, or else… No negative comments made on her facebook wall. It would disrupt her image. “Have Some Respect”.

Or else.

How about: No more patriarchal oppressive bullshit. Or else. Or else I will just break down. Go mad. Hate the world. Or else. Orelse, was the name of a lovely child who knew nothing of Gender related power structures. Orelse was a happy child. She grew up, speaking freely without shame. She felt listened to. She felt loved, and How She Loved. The world was beautiful. Oppression was a thing of the past. Orelse was free – and she loved her freedom, and she shared her freedom in harmony, in understanding. Orelse Never Had An Insane Day In Her Entire Life.

Not like me. The struggling feminist. Who can’t get any messages accross. Whose feelings mean nil and nothing. Whose “comrades” say: Only In Your Head.

Yes. And I wish we could live it. Not just think it. It’s all in my head. The beauty we could experience. But what I say with words, can not be made real. Orelse is a figment of my imagination. I live in a different world. I Never Had A Sane Day In My Entire Life.

This blog post is an Interlude following >> Hot Topic – Feminist Men #1. I recommend reading the comments to that blog post. In the comment section Orelse is far inside my mind. Nowhere to be found.

*** Feb 3, 2010. I figured there’s no stress in my life to do anything at all apart from quitting coffee drinking and dealing with whatever insecurities I have. So – after spending days and days of pointless arguing.. I will push this in the future, and do whatever seems sensible to me in order to get over all the disturbing shit i face on a daily basis. Sexism will never end, so it’s not as if there won’t be more of this shit coming my way. In other words: No stress. I’ll deal with this — Later.

Hot topic – Feminist Men #1

by Milla [she=he]

I just posted this on the facebook wall of a feminist man. The guy took it down. Twice.. This will be continued in the following days. It will show just how fucked up I get by dealing with sexist behavior All The Time.

Twitter – News for the Nerdy

by Milla [she=he]

I got on Twitter yesterday. A Social networking and Micro-blogging system. I don’t really know how it works yet, but the basic idea is to make it possible to follow whatever news and share whatever information that make sense to you: Anything from the life of the Queen of Jordan to what a Brain Surgeon is up to in Haiti. Here’s a Radical Feminist with communication problems >>

Be the news: Create your own headlines with 140 signs and a Twitter account.

>> Click this link for more information on Twitter

In solidarity with Celie’s Revenge – Sister Outsider

by Milla [she=he]

THIS SOLIDARITY STATEMENT IS POSTED WITHOUT ME SEEKING THE CONSENT OF CELIE’S REVENGE – AND COULD THEREFORE BE CALLED A RACIST ACT OF APPROPRIATION and/or TOKENISM (Space given on my terms alone).

Me being a white woman stating that I’m in selfish solidarity with this struggling radical feminist might even cause more hateful attacks directed at her and not against myself according to the twisted logic of racist hatred dished out by the “Sister Insiders” of the radical feminist scene.

So, saying here in this space that “Hey! I like what you do. And it’s seriously wrong that you don’t get listened to. I wish I knew how to support you in a sensitive unselfish way, and that there was no such thing as hierarchies creating insiders and outsiders in this scene, but instead that there could be non-threatening ways for the marginalized to take space by a welcoming mainstream — That it would be possible to speak without fear of punishment.” Making a simple statement like that – openly – could in fact be causing harm, and doing her a huge disfavor!

When everything is this fucked up. Hierarchies so strong – ignorance so wide. Words are not just words but carry worlds of pain, hate, disappointment. Power. They distance and tear us apart. The tactics and morals by the ones in constant confrontation – constant struggle, are sometimes inconsistent and sometimes not even known to ourselves, and when not talked about, when not made clear – the distinct behavioral patterns, defense mechanisms, political actions end up clashing against each other, resulting in Distrust, Alienation, Frustration. Rupture. I’ve let this woman down by speaking without care, and I’ve let others down by speaking without care. Talking is my way of surviving this madness called life. I’ve been told to Fuck Off and that I don’t recognize my white privilege, which is true. And yet, I’m willing to be accountable for what I do.

By re-posting her words I might just do the wrong and selfish thing again. But this is what is in my heart at the moment.

Listen!

Copy pasted without permission for the purpose of inserting (absolutely random googled!) links in the text. Read the original !! by clicking the link below. Before this some words by Shakespeare..

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
Audre Lorde Called Herself “Sister Outsider” For a Reason
by Celie’s Revenge
http://celiesrevenge.blogspot.com/



What you hear in my voice is fury, not suffering. Anger, not moral authority. — Audre Lorde
I’m both amused and annoyed by how many white women in the radical feminist blogosphere are invoking Audre Lorde. As if they actually understood Audre and would support Audre if she were alive today?
Doubtful.
Audre Lorde said her response to racism was anger. But angry black women get made out to be liars, thieves, mentally ill and dangerous if we don’t direct that anger at white feminist approved targets like men, preferably black men!
Audre was nobody’s darling so don’t claim her now if you wouldn’t have claimed her then!
How many white women would Audre be allowed to call out on their racism before she’d be crucified by white supremacist feminists and their black and brown enablers?
I say the same thing to black men who now find it trendy to read and quote bell hooks as proof positive of their feminist dude status: would you have heard bell hooks before she became bell hooks?
Since the crux of bell’s earliest work dealt with the struggle to get black males to own their male privilege and hear black feminist critique without defensiveness how many of these same feminist dudes who quote bell now that she’s a achieved legendary status wouldn’t have called bell bitter, crazy, man-hater, divisive in the same way that white women who have come to essentialize Audre’s radical feminist legacy wouldn’t have branded her essays “rants”, called her a liar and divisive (for the Daly drama), crazy and a trouble maker?
Black women are not allowed to be flawed or complex. Not like white women. Their whiteness affords them the benefit of the doubt. Black women are either good or bad. Favored or rejected. Brought into the fray or alienated from it so we are forced to create our own space or call ourselves Sister Outsider as Audre Lorde did and walk alone.
Audre’s legacy of brilliance and her unapologetic anger at the self righteous unchecked rabid racism her white feminist so-called sisters is easier to take and therefore distort in her absence if we can make her into some sort of “magical negress”: invoked and essentialized as “good” and benevolent not angry and unapologetic towards white women to assuage white feminist guilt for alienating her while she was alive.
Because let’s not forget: Audre Lorde called herself a “Sister Outsider” for a reason.
You would not have loved her then so how dare you love her now?

		

	

My life, in interaction with others :-)

by Milla [she=he]

Facebook oneliners in interaction with others 🙂

And I just fixed up my Couch Surfer profile.

There are weekly cs meetings in Helsinki. Every thursday at Cafe Talo, six o’clock (Hämeentie 2).

The couch surfer profiles are not simple for persons like myself who would like One Big Magic button to click and fix it all. Here you have to go through more than 10 different buttons to fill in a profile, but it’s definitely worth it, since people usually don’t respond to empty pages. I was also told that it’s better to go to the face to face meetings to hook up with people. I wish I would have known about this sooner. Maybe my time in Finland wouldn’t have been so lonely.

>> MORE ABOUT COUCH SURFING

My life, in interaction with others :P

by Milla [she=he]

Things I don’t understand And Possibly Never will:

Aleksi Lilleberg – The Dictator (Satama)

by Milla [she=he]

Aleksi Lilleberg. One of the persons who bullied me. One of the persons with power to bully. No community = No accountability.

I still have fears. Of not being able to speak openly. I guess I’m walking straight towards that goal for some reason. Maybe cause it feels normal. To be like a ‘stupid’ child, with no secrets, and no rules. Just speak and await the shocked reactions or condescending laughs by the ones housebroken by Civilized Culture. I know just how to say the wrong things. Many persons feel hurt by what I say, what I don’t keep to myself.

Like for instance this: Aleksi Lilleberg is the one who started the conflict with my official exclusion from the social center in Helsinki. As the admin of a mailing list related to the social center, she took no notice of the sexist bullying going on. I’ve heard by others that she herself got bullied in school, but I find it hard to believe since she couldn’t relate to what I was going through with constant harsh words. She denied the sexism going on. And pronounced herself ‘dictator’ over the list. Could be that she would use a word like that to express the frustration she had over having all that power/responsibility all by herself, with no community there to guide and support. Maybe she doesn’t work well under stress. Maybe being bullied before gets her affected by a hateful atmosphere, caving in to the peer pressure of the ones speaking violent words. Maybe – maybe – maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know her reasons. I only know how I felt when she said that there was no sexism on the list (I had been told that I was hated because I’m a feminist, and because I speak, and that I should shut up and get laid). She said this wasn’t sexism, but just a bit of bad behavior. At the same time she writes private emails to me asking me if I want to get off the list. And when I say no, and ask her why she said there was no sexism on the list, then she signs me off anyway. Says I have a lack of proportions and mental problems.

And with her signing me off, that was the start of the official exclusion from that place. That was the start of people “knowing” who I am and how I am. People who I don’t know who easily tell strangers that ask about me: “She’s Crazy!”

It’s hard being in the position of living with these feelings years later on. Cause it does take years to get over something as severe as what is happening inside social center Satama.

I’ve made a choice to be in solidarity with my own sanity. There are people hurt by that. People who don’t want their story told on this blog. I guess no one is really interested in having the story about Aleksi burning the juggling balls of a lover, and then grabbing her fingers and bending her arm back until she was in pain. No one but me is interested in having that story, that pain, told in the open. There were more people around witnessing this. There were people witnessing and maybe even recognizing that this was wrong. But no one did anything. The person Aleksi was bullying requested for help, and got a cold shoulder in return.

People remember this happening. Maybe some remember Aleksi saying that hating feminists and wanting them to shut up and get laid has nothing to do with sexism. Maybe some remember being at a meeting where bans in general were to be discussed, and Aleksi aggressively standing up, saying that I’m not allowed to be in the same space. “She or I”.

Aleksi never made any effort to sort out what she did. She gave whatever random excuses, and people were there to support her upset feelings. While I was stuck with years of isolation and struggle. I know where I’m heading. If there’s a crossroads between “Speak” and “Don’t speak” I’m walking straight towards the shocked reactions and condescending laughs. No more silence for me.

Aleksi bullied me.

Anybody in contact with Aleksi, I recommend reading:

EVERYDAY MALE CHAUVINISM.

Stacy & Milla [7:7]

by Milla [she=he]

For further background on this discussion check this post

>> CONFRONTING MISOGYNY >>

In the video I’m talking with Stacy about feminism, my exclusion from the Helsinki social center, and about her saying that I raped a man called Daniel. A man I had a very abusive intimate relation with, and that I would still like to confront on fucked up behavior.

For further background on the fucked behavior read

>> EVERYDAY MALE CHAUVINISM >>

I will write more on this talk later. Below the video is a transcript of what is said.



Milla: I can not really understand like, what is the comparison in this case. —– With persons of color choosing at some anarchist event to aggressively tell the white persons to leave. That I would like to have more of a concrete connection with like, why you would make a connection between that and me speaking my reality and trying to ask for other persons to be accountable for what they do.

Stacy: Because, you are pushing male activists into a corner. That’s … That’s like … That is the point.

Milla: I don’t understand the metaphor, that what is that corner, like what is …

Stacy: A corner where they can not defend themselves. Sexist men do not have friends, in my opinion. If I am proven false, if like, a rapist is a “cool guy”, and all the men who have been mistreating you are accepted in the community then I will say that, you know, I was wrong. But I think that most people will not accept sexism, but if you are pushing them into corners then they become martyrs among men and of course they will defend their brother that is becoming emasculated by rabid feminism.

Milla: By…?

Stacy: Rabid feminism.

Milla: Rabid feminism … But can you explain more specifically what action it is that is pushing these persons into this so called corner?

Stacy: What Dani says is stalking. And Antti has also pointed out things like, putting names in public. Perhaps they feel that it is pushing people to corners. Your tactic is simply wrong with people. People hate you because of your tactic, not because of the content.

Milla: Not because of there being sexism in this society and that we all take part in this system?

Stacy: Now I didn’t understand.

Milla: You say that there are persons that hate me — or you just make a generalization that people hate me – it would be nice if you could name names as well, like of persons who say they hate me … But you said that …

Stacy: 19 feminists wanted to get rid of you.

Milla: Inka who signed that. She has been writing on the forum and explained that she doesn’t agree with what she did, and that she just signed it because it was sent to her, and that she didn’t agree with everything in the statement, even from the beginning. There are other persons that I have been speaking with who had some points where, they sent an email saying that “Okay I disagree with this and this” but still their name ended up on the bottom of the …

Stacy: How about Riikka Kaihovaara, you have put her name up in Hirvitalo, with a picture, and she has never replied on your accusations, and she is, I would say … She has been the editor of Tulva magazine, she is one of the foremost feminists in Finland, and, you know, she is against you. And I think there is another misrepresentation. I started think like Antti and many others that Riikka’s intentions with you were only good. But she doesn’t want to say it to you because she thinks that you are just going to twist her words, whatever she says.

Milla: I published the email contact that we had after, and that was on my initiative in spite of the despair and the hurt I was going through. I tried to talk with her in a reasonable way, this part is not published on the blog with her …

<< Stacy & Milla [6:7]

Stacy & Milla [6:7]

by Milla [she=he]

For further background on this discussion check this post

>> CONFRONTING MISOGYNY >>

In the video I’m talking with Stacy about feminism, my exclusion from the Helsinki social center, and about her saying that I raped a man called Daniel. A man I had a very abusive intimate relation with, and that I would still like to confront on fucked up behavior.

For further background on the fucked behavior read

>> EVERYDAY MALE CHAUVINISM >>

I will write more on this talk later. Below the video is a transcript of what is said.

Milla: Anyhow, I think my main point is that the stuff that you said, is not just words it’s something that affects and it’s also fitting into a political system, and I, yeah … and therefor, when you’re talking about me distancing myself from certain persons or scenes, then … that I see that this is what I’m doing right now when I am distancing myself from you as a friend, because I can not deal with how you relate to this issue.

Stacy: So, what would you have done in my position? Just play that, you know, “Milla is cool” and “Daniel is cool” and they are on each others throats.

Milla: How I would see a situation like this?

Stacy: Yeah. Would you be in my position accepting that, you know, well I have two friends and they are just tearing each other apart? And just like, ignoring this conflict at all, you know? Like I did for a very long time, I tried to ignore that.

Milla: The way I would have dealt with it, especially if there is like, a clear power relation going on, if there is an issue of certain positions of privilege and oppression that are systematic, structural — like me being born as a woman, and Dani as a man and then when we relate to each other in an intimate relation and I try to point out abusive behaviors to this person and this person is avoiding it then I think from my point of view, it would have been fairly clear that I would support the woman in this case, and I wouldn’t treat these persons as like having equal power relation, or even start blaming the woman in this case. I mean it’s the same thing as watching a scene where there is police brutality going on and then treating these persons as “Well – you the person who was demonstrating, and you the person in the uniform with the stick beating the other person up that – I will now sit and mediate between you two, and I will treat you as, like, having equal power in this relation” And that’s not true, and the same goes for an intimate relation where a man and a woman is involved, and I feel that you are really belittling the violence, the rapes, the killings that are going on continuously, when you say that a woman’s slap by a man, you know, that because of this they build up this rage and hatred of women – It is not true, I find it really … it’s really a problematic way of thinking.

Stacy: You brought out a very important point in this discussion. Why should I always believe that women are honest? Why should I always even believe that the activist version of events is the truth and not the police version? Just like that? I have brought out that, you know, some of the rape charges are false, and would it not be for a woman a very easy way to use power against men to lie about stories of abuse? Why should I just blatantly accept your version as the sole truth, especially when I find difficulties with your stories?

Milla: I would say that one major reason to believe when they step out and speak about sexualized abuse is that, women who talk about it, they don’t get any reward, they don’t get any fame, they don’t get into a power position, instead there is usually a lot of blame and protection of the man’s reality, and the man’s story in this case.

Stacy: I think I disagree about that, I think many people are protective of the woman. I could see it with the Ladyfest where there was rape, everybody, including me, were immediately protecting the woman, never hearing the story of the man. And I still stand by that. I have never questioned it. And, also, I wanted to point out that the Pittsburgh CrimeThink case where there were legitimate concerns about race and anarchist people of color came in to CrimeThink convergence and started throwing people’s bags out of the house, and telling the white people to leave America and stuff like that. I really saw that you are the same kind of distractor, even though you have a point, and they had a point, then that was totally false, and few people of color joined them because they thought that “Hey, those folks are really cutting edge radicals here”. But later they saw that, you know, that they hadn’t really thought out things. So I thought, is my relationship to your feminism that I brainlessly think that, you know, you are the cutting edge most radical feminist and like I should follow you in all questions. No, I started to think on my own.

Milla: I don’t really understand the comparison, because I am not … I think that, from my point of view, I try to point out sexist thinking and sexist behavior, and I would say that you are supporting the same structures. I am not telling people to “Go to your own little island somewhere”, I can tell people who I’ve chosen to try to build a friendship with, that I would not wish to have that anymore, because I find it oppressive, and … but, I don’t see anything wrong in confronting power. I don’t see anything wrong in speaking my reality. And leaving other person… like, leaving it possible for the other persons to confront that. It’s perfectly open to do that on the blog for instance.

<< Stacy & Milla [5:7] …    Stacy & Milla [7:7] >>

Stacy & Milla [5:7]

by Milla [she=he]

For further background on this discussion check this post

>> CONFRONTING MISOGYNY >>

In the video I’m talking with Stacy about feminism, my exclusion from the Helsinki social center, and about her saying that I raped a man called Daniel. A man I had a very abusive intimate relation with, and that I would still like to confront on fucked up behavior.

For further background on the fucked behavior read

>> EVERYDAY MALE CHAUVINISM >>

I will write more on this talk later. Below the video is a transcript of what is said.

Stacy: I want the same treatment with you also, I want that you break off relationships that are harmful for yourself. I realized when Dani had one person … relationship with one person that had a borderline personality disorder, and then one with bulimia, and then he’s borderline personality disordered himself. So, he is looking for a some kind of a therapist and I think you are looking for one too, and having a relationship is not the way to go, and hanging in circles like these is also not a way to go. I think you need time to be alone, and forget about this life, start a new life altogether, because I think you are hanging in a pattern that is like self-destructive. It might even be that you are seeing here the same people that have banned you from the social center. I mean, you are going through the trauma over and over again. I have been through that myself. And I have started a new life.

Milla: Like I said before, that I don’t feel like I’m being seen by you in this conflict and that you just take random information that you get and then it’s not really … You said that you’re on a quest for truth and that you want to like, really find out things but instead you take information and then you just create a whole world around that piece of information and when you’re saying that, for instance, that from your point of view, it would be okay if I confront Dani if Dani has had a reasonable amount of time to prove herself if she is going to do something about her behavior or not, and this you say without looking at the interaction that I’ve had with this person for over a year. This is a very long time for two persons to interact and many different things going on, so, it’s without relating or knowing this story, you make up certain ideas of what is the right thing to do at what moment. So I would definitely recommend you to – if you really want to mediate – or help out people, which is what you are expressing, you’re saying that your intentions are good, and that you wish well for the persons and then I think you should really look at like how to, you know – read material – on how to be sensitive in a conflict. You’re saying that you want to make peace with me, but I feel that you’re kind of twisting and turning your stand on this. Because in writing it comes out in a really mean way, and now you’re a little bit more diplomatic and then you turn it here and there. Because either I am a feminist or I am about man-hatred, I mean these things are not just things … I mean, I did not say that the stuff that you’ve been writing is misogynist, I did not say that as an attacking word, I’m saying it because there’s something fundamentally seriously not okay with the stuff that you’ve been writing. And this can be pointed out by other feminists, who are aware of these power structures. So that’s why I’ve been really hurt by the stuff, because it’s been an addition of what Dani has already done to me, and that’s also a part of a way to dominate and to get control over the situation, that Dani decides when there’s gonna be a confrontation, and how it’s going to be, or even if, and I think that that’s really wrong. That if I’ve done something wrong, then I don’t have the right to decide like, when is the right moment for me, when I feel emotionally capable of dealing with when I’ve been hurting another human being. That’s up to the up to the other person …

Stacy: Has he done wrong? I mean, willfully purposefully hurting people. Have you … You have had abusive relationships where you have been abusive and you have been using abusive language … Do you have purpose to harm people? I do not think so. You do a certain type of behavior, because you are traumatized or disturbed, I think it is the same thing with Dani. He is not only making mistakes but he is repeating them, I think he is feeling awful about it. He’s in a crazy vortex of doing wrong and he can not get out it. And the same is with you.

Milla: And I would say that you have really disturbing behaviors that you put openly on display and that you really should deal with.

Stacy: Well, I have said that I am a narcissist. And I can not really change my behavior even though I am very willing to do it, but I … that will be my basic nature, and if it is true that he has … Dani has a borderline personality disorder that is then a lifetime matter. It is many years of therapy and like, self-seeking … I don’t know what. But from my perspective I understand that he can not break his abusive patterns just like that.

Milla: I’m not expecting it to be like that either. I’m expecting some kind of community where people actually care about these issues and do not blame the women who are ending up in emotional and psychological, and whatever kind of hellish mindsets and … to just like “That’s your personal problem, you deal with it alone” and “Let’s make a lot of apologies for this poor man who doesn’t have any kind of control over her behavior”. I don’t think that that’s the right way to deal with issues, I think it’s really important to hear the person who is talking about the hurt. And then try to think about “Okay, how do we fix this as a community?” And you’re not taking community responsibility now, you’re just acting out of your own beliefs and as an individual and then you’re trying to kind of impose your ideas. But this is how the scene is working in general. There are no structures for how to deal with intimate violence. And it’s always seen as a “not a scene issue” but as persons’ like private matter, and that’s what I think is wrong. Because I don’t think it’s cool that there can be, you know, spaces like this for instance … also like you said, that there are persons here who are involved with the exclusion that I faced in the social center, and yes, it is not comforting for me to be in a space that is supposed to be political and at the same time I feel that, if I would address this issue here, then once again I would be put out there as a problematic person disturbing the important agenda that we have here.

<< Stacy & Milla [4:7] …    Stacy & Milla [6:7] >>