Anger. Daniel Vazsonyi. The Stop Male Violence group in Budapest.

by Milla [she=he]

I wrote a negative reference to Daniel Vazsonyi on Couch Surfing, and the guy was quick to respond. The response is full of Male Chauvinism and I will reply to it directly, in another blog post, plus post the link to the reply in my reference on Daniel’s Couch Surfing profile. As long as the guy continues exposing me to male chauvinistic behaviors, that’s how long I’m going to RESIST it.

This is what is at the moment.

I wrote a letter to the men’s group. I doubt that they even notice the shit that Daniel does. And in their silence towards me I feel they’re giving a massive “Okay” to Daniel and supporting her in her actions. Good work men!

THE LETTER:

from: milla ahola <milla.ahola@gmail.com>
to: Dániel Vázsonyi <vazsonyi.daniel@gmail.com>, info@stop-ferfieroszak.hu
subject: everyday male chauvinism (FEBRUARY 3, 2010)

hello MEN (i have no trust whatsoever in any of you. this is only in
case Daniel is still involved with the group, and you are not charmed
by the guy’s assholic manipulative tendencies)

i posted a reference in relation to a community that both i and Daniel
take part in. it’s called couch surfing.

here’s the reference i posted, followed by Daniel’s reply

MY REFERENCE:
Negative

Daniel came to Finland to find out more about a political exclusion I
was facing in a social center project in Helsinki. I ended up getting
involved intimately with this guy, which was a highly UNSAFE and
DAMAGING experience. For more information on this guy’s behaviors,
check out a text called Everyday Male Chauvinism http://wp.me/Pmj9t-w7

Watch Out! If you want to find out more, you can contact me. <3 <3

DANIEL’S REFERENCE:
Negative

I was thinking about the overall rating, cause my experiences were
mildly positive and wildly negative… maybe CS ppl should add extra
switches

Milla is a really smart and sensitive woman who can be interesting
company, but definitely unsafe in the long run. She is hardcore
borderline (i hope she really gives up alcohol one day which only
makes it worse) and amazingly obsessive. I caused her harm and she is
not a person who will forget or forgive that ive kinda known even
before we conflicted (her obsession with the Helsinki squatting scene
in which she is right BTW, but thats the issue with her: she can never
let go… her worst enemy is herself)

Im gonna avoid lengthy kitchen psychology so shortly about the
conflict: we cannot even be in the same physical space let alone work
out the issues. So please DO NOT try to reheat the debates. Im looking
to move on (have been trying for half a year now) and if you feel
insecure about me just decline my request
thx for understanding!

====

I will respond to anything that Daniel posts in the same CHAUVINIST
style on a blog that i have.
Starting with the letter I’ve now sent to this group.

I’m SICK of patriarchal bullshit.

milla

Couch Surfing Reference: Maria (negative)

by Milla [she=he]

Me purging myself. Or: Yet another self-therapeutic gust of honesty crossing CyberSpace. My Couch Surfing reference on Maria Morozova (whose mission statement is ‘World Peace’ on her profile page) and whose mission statement about this blog and my writings on it and how I’ve felt about the unjust exclusion happening around and within Morze infoshop in Budapest:

“As I mentioned before – this is my mere opinion – a pretty weird point
of view. I have an impression that all what is written there comes
from a sick mind of a person with some mental problems and weird
perception/interpretation of the world. I would not call this lie, but
some things there are totally distorted and biased. Not a very
trustworthy source. But – everyone is a unique person and has a right
for an opinion, even if this opinion is insulting.”

This is the same woman who has refused discussion. Everybody has a right to their opinion, but her authority and mental illness declarations can not be discussed.

Here’s my comment followed by Petya (who just can’t see sexism anywhere and therefore ignores to talk it over). In Petya’s mind things are just fine.

Couch Surfing Reference: Hajni (negative)

by Milla [she=he]

I’m like the happiest child ever. It’s Anti-Bully-Day! The lovely possibility of being absolutely honest on Couch Surfing, giving people references — Positive, Negative, Neutral — Yey!

Today I made yet another reference, based on negative experiences. Hajni from Budapest:

Read the blog post with her letters >> Here.

And at the end of this post: a picture of the handmade bag I got from one of the women I had previously tried to contact on Hajni’s fucked up behavior (well, Hajni and the other bullies). When writing an email to this woman her response was dismissive and ended with her not responding. When I came on a surprise visit to the place where Hajni lives, while she was away, me and this woman had a fairly sensible talk where she also told me that Hajni had been lying about me posting the address of her apartment on this blog. The woman said that it would make sense talking about these things at some point.

But. I assume she will never make it happen.

Later I borrowed a bag from the place, and was told I could keep it, the bag was made for another person who didn’t want it. When people ask me about the bag I call it the “Lohdutus” bag. Lohdutus is Finnish and means something like comforting someone when they’re feeling sad. Like a comfort prize. I feel I ended up with a bag instead of a political discussion. A bag instead of justice. Maybe writing about it will make it easier to let it go. To see the bag as just a bag. And Hajni and the rest of the Budapest, Morze Infoshop “& Co” as just a bunch of non-accountable bullies. They live their lives, everyday with new experiences, while I still go through days of hurt and anger and sadness. The bullies don’t care about the harm they cause. Bullies never look back.

Fuck them. Just fuck them. One day I will forget. And it won’t feel so miserable knowing that they don’t care. These people wake up everyday with blood on their hands and they don’t even notice. — Fuck them.

Hajni was wrong. I didn't get banned. I ended up with a bag!

Couch Surfing (A community just like any other)

by Milla [she=he]

Today I made myself proud and gave a negative reference on Couch Surfing.

One reference for Daniel, and another for Daniel's friend Petya.

I love the idea of Couch Surfing, and wish the project will continue growing. People sharing their lives and homes with one another. I also hope that the project will be open to criticism. For instance expressed on this site:

Welcome to OpenCouchSurfing.org. When we started our mission was to:

Participate in creating a Better and More Open CouchSurfing Organisation, one Freedom at a time.

We believe in the spirit of CouchSurfing, of creating a better world through understanding. We believe this purpose is best served by a truly Open Organisation, one that is representative of the CouchSurfing community as a whole. We believe information should flow freely through an Open Organisation.

We have realized that this Freedom will not come from within the Couchsurfing core itself.

We believed in being able to help Couchsurfing by opening the organisation from the outside (and some of us tried to continue this from the inside, for as long as they felt there was even a slightest chance). But after in August 2007, only a couple of months after starting OpenCS, we have realized that the only person in control wants to keep as much power as possible. So instead we focus on raising awareness to those who care about what they are donating to and volunteering for, and on pointing those who care to more open and free alternatives such as BeWelcome, Crash at Mine or NoseRub.

And here’s a gif-animation on the Pushy and Annoying Verification reminders popping up on the CouchSurfing webpages.

Get verified reminders, plus one donation button marked with red.

A "Psst! Get verified" reminder popping up after making profile updates.

“Feminist” men (Interlude)

by Milla [she=he]

I told Aron to back the fuck off. To leave me space to deal with what I clearly expressed is offensive and emotionally upsetting material. Male chauvinism. — I went Mental CRAZY when we chatted, and I will make blog posts explaining it further, starting within a week ***— The guy is doing Absolutely Nothing herself to put the text together. But is instead taking enjoyment in Repeatedly posting offensive stuff before I even get the chance to take a rest, and look through the material, and collect enough Energy: Energies Needed to make the Effort to explain the Impossible — The guy is behaving like a jerk. A total jerk.

To quote the guy:

“you have been totally disgracing dfmeinism

by usiong these word sin vain

calling things sexist when they are not”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Anti-sexist man

“the experience is all in your head”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Anarchist man

“yes you a what you call a reversed sexist”
— Aron Anton Embleton, Feminist man

I posted the thing below on the guy’s facebook wall. I doubt it will stay up. I’m not allowed to comment. Well, well. What kind of feminism is that? She has no problem going after other men, and collecting praise from women for the heroic efforts made. But a woman with complaints?

The guy chose to write a private comment to me on chat instead, telling me to “show respect”, or else… No negative comments made on her facebook wall. It would disrupt her image. “Have Some Respect”.

Or else.

How about: No more patriarchal oppressive bullshit. Or else. Or else I will just break down. Go mad. Hate the world. Or else. Orelse, was the name of a lovely child who knew nothing of Gender related power structures. Orelse was a happy child. She grew up, speaking freely without shame. She felt listened to. She felt loved, and How She Loved. The world was beautiful. Oppression was a thing of the past. Orelse was free – and she loved her freedom, and she shared her freedom in harmony, in understanding. Orelse Never Had An Insane Day In Her Entire Life.

Not like me. The struggling feminist. Who can’t get any messages accross. Whose feelings mean nil and nothing. Whose “comrades” say: Only In Your Head.

Yes. And I wish we could live it. Not just think it. It’s all in my head. The beauty we could experience. But what I say with words, can not be made real. Orelse is a figment of my imagination. I live in a different world. I Never Had A Sane Day In My Entire Life.

This blog post is an Interlude following >> Hot Topic – Feminist Men #1. I recommend reading the comments to that blog post. In the comment section Orelse is far inside my mind. Nowhere to be found.

*** Feb 3, 2010. I figured there’s no stress in my life to do anything at all apart from quitting coffee drinking and dealing with whatever insecurities I have. So – after spending days and days of pointless arguing.. I will push this in the future, and do whatever seems sensible to me in order to get over all the disturbing shit i face on a daily basis. Sexism will never end, so it’s not as if there won’t be more of this shit coming my way. In other words: No stress. I’ll deal with this — Later.

Hot topic – Feminist Men #1

by Milla [she=he]

I just posted this on the facebook wall of a feminist man. The guy took it down. Twice.. This will be continued in the following days. It will show just how fucked up I get by dealing with sexist behavior All The Time.

Twitter – News for the Nerdy

by Milla [she=he]

I got on Twitter yesterday. A Social networking and Micro-blogging system. I don’t really know how it works yet, but the basic idea is to make it possible to follow whatever news and share whatever information that make sense to you: Anything from the life of the Queen of Jordan to what a Brain Surgeon is up to in Haiti. Here’s a Radical Feminist with communication problems >>

Be the news: Create your own headlines with 140 signs and a Twitter account.

>> Click this link for more information on Twitter

In solidarity with Celie’s Revenge – Sister Outsider

by Milla [she=he]

THIS SOLIDARITY STATEMENT IS POSTED WITHOUT ME SEEKING THE CONSENT OF CELIE’S REVENGE – AND COULD THEREFORE BE CALLED A RACIST ACT OF APPROPRIATION and/or TOKENISM (Space given on my terms alone).

Me being a white woman stating that I’m in selfish solidarity with this struggling radical feminist might even cause more hateful attacks directed at her and not against myself according to the twisted logic of racist hatred dished out by the “Sister Insiders” of the radical feminist scene.

So, saying here in this space that “Hey! I like what you do. And it’s seriously wrong that you don’t get listened to. I wish I knew how to support you in a sensitive unselfish way, and that there was no such thing as hierarchies creating insiders and outsiders in this scene, but instead that there could be non-threatening ways for the marginalized to take space by a welcoming mainstream — That it would be possible to speak without fear of punishment.” Making a simple statement like that – openly – could in fact be causing harm, and doing her a huge disfavor!

When everything is this fucked up. Hierarchies so strong – ignorance so wide. Words are not just words but carry worlds of pain, hate, disappointment. Power. They distance and tear us apart. The tactics and morals by the ones in constant confrontation – constant struggle, are sometimes inconsistent and sometimes not even known to ourselves, and when not talked about, when not made clear – the distinct behavioral patterns, defense mechanisms, political actions end up clashing against each other, resulting in Distrust, Alienation, Frustration. Rupture. I’ve let this woman down by speaking without care, and I’ve let others down by speaking without care. Talking is my way of surviving this madness called life. I’ve been told to Fuck Off and that I don’t recognize my white privilege, which is true. And yet, I’m willing to be accountable for what I do.

By re-posting her words I might just do the wrong and selfish thing again. But this is what is in my heart at the moment.

Listen!

Copy pasted without permission for the purpose of inserting (absolutely random googled!) links in the text. Read the original !! by clicking the link below. Before this some words by Shakespeare..

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

Audre Lorde Called Herself “Sister Outsider” For a Reason

by Celie’s Revenge

http://celiesrevenge.blogspot.com/

What you hear in my voice is fury, not suffering. Anger, not moral authority. — Audre Lorde

I’m both amused and annoyed by how many white women in the radical feminist blogosphere are invoking Audre Lorde. As if they actually understood Audre and would support Audre if she were alive today?

Doubtful.

Audre Lorde said her response to racism was anger. But angry black women get made out to be liars, thieves, mentally ill and dangerous if we don’t direct that anger at white feminist approved targets like men, preferably black men!

Audre was nobody’s darling so don’t claim her now if you wouldn’t have claimed her then!

How many white women would Audre be allowed to call out on their racism before she’d be crucified by white supremacist feminists and their black and brown enablers?

I say the same thing to black men who now find it trendy to read and quote bell hooks as proof positive of their feminist dude status: would you have heard bell hooks before she became bell hooks?

Since the crux of bell’s earliest work dealt with the struggle to get black males to own their male privilege and hear black feminist critique without defensiveness how many of these same feminist dudes who quote bell now that she’s a achieved legendary status wouldn’t have called bell bitter, crazy, man-hater, divisive in the same way that white women who have come to essentialize Audre’s radical feminist legacy wouldn’t have branded her essays “rants”, called her a liar and divisive (for the Daly drama), crazy and a trouble maker?

Black women are not allowed to be flawed or complex. Not like white women. Their whiteness affords them the benefit of the doubt. Black women are either good or bad. Favored or rejected. Brought into the fray or alienated from it so we are forced to create our own space or call ourselves Sister Outsider as Audre Lorde did and walk alone.

Audre’s legacy of brilliance and her unapologetic anger at the self righteous unchecked rabid racism her white feminist so-called sisters is easier to take and therefore distort in her absence if we can make her into some sort of “magical negress”: invoked and essentialized as “good” and benevolent not angry and unapologetic towards white women to assuage white feminist guilt for alienating her while she was alive.

Because let’s not forget: Audre Lorde called herself a “Sister Outsider” for a reason.

You would not have loved her then so how dare you love her now?

My life, in interaction with others :-)

by Milla [she=he]

Facebook oneliners in interaction with others

And I just fixed up my Couch Surfer profile.

There are weekly cs meetings in Helsinki. Every thursday at Cafe Talo, six o’clock (Hämeentie 2).

The couch surfer profiles are not simple for persons like myself who would like One Big Magic button to click and fix it all. Here you have to go through more than 10 different buttons to fill in a profile, but it’s definitely worth it, since people usually don’t respond to empty pages. I was also told that it’s better to go to the face to face meetings to hook up with people. I wish I would have known about this sooner. Maybe my time in Finland wouldn’t have been so lonely.

>> MORE ABOUT COUCH SURFING

My life, in interaction with others :P

by Milla [she=he]

Things I don’t understand And Possibly Never will: